I apologize ahead of time. This blog will be probably be extremely disorganized. I am not very techie, nor do I ever make a habit of “talking” to people. I’m the quiet person who will nod and laugh at what you say, secretly wishing you would stop talking to me, not because I’m not interested in what you have to say, but rather because I’m in fear that I would actually have to come up with something to say on my own to you when your mouth stops moving. Therefore, I probably won’t make sense at times, my punctuation will be off, my words not in agreement, etc. because I have been quiet for so long, I think I literally forgot how to communicate. In other words, sorry if this is hard to read.
I have toyed with the idea of starting this blog for years. Back in 2007-2008, a series of strange events unraveled before me that made me feel as if I was traveling down the rabbit hole in an Alice in Wonderland sort of way that involved Joaquin Phoenix. I wanted to communicate that to him because it’s delightfully strange to me. In a way, it felt like he was traveling with me and that was fun, but eventually I developed a desire for him to actually be on the journey with me, because during that time he seemed to be going through something, too (which resulted in I’m Still Here). Frankly, he seemed to be manifesting my thoughts to an extent which was scary and comforting. It felt like there was one person in the world I connected with for a change, even if we were invisible to one another. Ha! I even once thought that perhaps because it was happening, maybe there was a reason. I wanted to seek that out, thinking maybe if I ever talked to him, he could offer an answer. It wouldn’t even have to be spoken. It would just make sense. Answer to what? Nothing. That’s what it amounts to, really… because that would never happen. In the meantime, I enjoy watching the films he’s been in the past few years, not because I think they are spectacular or anything, but because as I watch them, I feel they’re meant for me. They sort of unfold and reveal something to me that I either find fascinating, comforting, satisfying, etc. like they’re communicating something to me subjectively without words. Something that makes me feel at home and comfortable in my own skin for a change. It’s funny. The movies are probably just a combination of what gets offered to him that he chooses to do based on what he think he can pull off. To me, they are almost always similar to what I’m going through, internally, during the time he makes them.
The letters I plan to post are real letters I wrote during those beginning years through about 2012. First, I have to warn you, they are not for the faint of heart. I went through some stuff and I “verbalized” it for sure. So if you’re some sweet, Pollyanna kind of girl, you’re not going to feel comfortable reading them. If you’re a guy who can’t take the heat, you’re not going to even want to begin. However, if you’re curious about people and how they evolve/devolve, deal with things, this might be for you. Second, I don’t have all the letters altogether, so they might be posted out-of-order. There are also a couple missing that I ripped up because I felt they were too intense for even me to read, like one on my grandfather’s death. I don’t know how to work a blog, you see, so it’s been hard for me to even know how to get started. I produced a lot of things during those years and it built to a climax without a conclusion. I had to tuck letters away because there was nothing to do with them. When it finally came time to move, our packing became a “throw everything in any kind of box you can find” sort of thing so we could be out of the apartment by the deadline. A good chunk of my hidden letters are still in the garage, my dears. Probably covered in monster-sized spiders too, so I’m not looking forward to unpacking. Did I mention they’ve been out there for over a year? Well, I wasn’t so sure I’d do anything with them. If you ever read about Joaquin Phoenix, he’s not interested in that sort of thing, anyway. Too bad for me, huh? Entertainment for you… because one thing’s for sure. It happened for real, I tried to forget, I still feel the pull like I have to tell him (what exactly, I don’t know), and I’m going to do something with it so it’s not a complete waste. Mmkay?