When one begins to feel crazy…

You might liken it to sitting in a cave, but caves are cold and dank. I am in a dry womb, surrounded by blankets that cushion the painful hole in my heart that won’t stop stinging with emptiness. I am lost without GPS to tell me where to go. I am in the darkness. It is still. I can see the outline of daylight around the shades that shield me from what we call reality. I can hear the humming and squealing of vehicles outside. As to where they go, I don’t know, but it must be nice to play along with the simulation the creator made. Those going along with it would say I’ve lost control. I think it is the creator that lost control. He took all of us and threw us in a round trash can, probably in anger or frustration, which set us spinning a certain amount of miles from a burning ball we call the sun. Perhaps the sun is that anger radiating, from his heart’s center, threatening to burn us up, but it’s managing to hold off for now. Maybe we should be glad that physics maintains some control.

 

Artistic License & Being Presidential

Some time back, I was thinking the reason I feel so miserable is because I lost my spark. I thought about getting back into art, but have felt like it was nearly impossible given my life circumstances revolving around obligation, duty, etc. In a way, that was what drained me. I tried to kill my “self” in order to be what I thought was required of me. I saw everything as a struggle. I convinced myself that if nothing was moving or appearing successful, then it was because I wasn’t meant to go that route. After 20 years, I think, the reason nothing was moving was because I didn’t move. Instead of going to New York, I stayed because that’s what people would say was good “enough”. I was surrounded by people who thought I was a snob for wanting to do something other than live life and get old in the Midwest. I didn’t want to leave family because they’re my family. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. They convinced me to fear for my safety and choose responsibility over whims of the imagination/heart. Yet after 20 years, I can safely say I should’ve chosen to chase after that one thing. Sure, following your heart means someone will get hurt, but is it fair to ask of someone to throw away their potential so that they can feel better or think “well, now she’s being sensible!” I don’t see much sensibility in my life. My life this evening feels like a whirling disaster where the centrifugal force is ripping chunks from my brain.

Over this past weekend, one of the local stores had an amazing sale on primed canvas: 70% off. This was a sign. Ha-ha! Well, I don’t know about that, really. Remember how I said some time back I was thinking of getting back into art? Well, this little gal had a simple conversation with G-d in the midst of one of those painful moments of awareness… I said to G-d, “I really desire to be creative again, but there’s no way I can afford to buy the canvas I want to paint on. If you really made me in your image as a creator, then you’re gonna have to figure out how I can get those canvases.” (Don’t worry, I checked the spelling. It’s kosher.) So now I have 7 leaning against the wall… waiting.

One driver of this desire is… I don’t want to work out there again. EVER. I have panic attacks about how to make money if I don’t want to work for other people. Watching this election coverage sort of seals the deal for me. I almost don’t recognize the world. I was sort of terrified before in these last 5 years, but now I don’t want to be out there with “them”. I can’t deal with that select breed of “them”. Ironically, I’m probably them, but I’m trying not to be. I don’t want to be angry or distrustful. That’s the stuff I’m trying to transform back out of. I’m a big believer that you become like who you’re spending your most time with. For instance, if someone complains about money, then I say if you want to be rich… hang out with rich people who make smart decisions that accomplish wealth. Yet, don’t be surprised that most of the people who are wealthy can kind of be pricks who have no qualms about stepping on people to get their way to the top. Not all, but  I think a lot do. They probably see it as,  “if I try to please everyone then I’ll never get anywhere”. Look at me. I’m still here. *uncomfortable snicker

Anyhow, the hub will not be reimbursed for traveling for work anymore, so that puts us in a pinch. I knew it would be a possibility, but he never listens to me about these things. He just had to have a new car to travel in. He brushed my what-ifs aside, and now I have to get rid of cable, possibly internet, and get a job so he can pay for the car. Don’t know how, really. I have one disabled son who requires a guardian’s presence… aka mine, and a little guy who has a full schedule of activities I taxi him to. I could probably be an investigator someday for as much as I’m used to being in a vehicle. Did I mention I don’t like driving and can’t handle trips much longer than an hour these days? Being in a car is absolute monotony to me. I can’t wait till they figure out that beam me up, Scotty thing. I wonder what happened to my sense of adventure. It must’ve died the day I had green chilies in my Mexican food. Oh the cable thing? I like to feel connected. I like knowing that if I feel like turning on the news, I can do it in 2 presses of the button. I want weather… got it. I want comedy, got it. I need a lot of comedy. If I want how-to demonstrations… got it. I’ve lived without cable and internet for a long time before. It can be boring without it. And there comes a point where you just become oblivious to what’s out there. I don’t know. It’s a double-edged sword, and maybe a luxury thing, but if I wanted to live in complete quietude, I’d become Amish. No offense, intended, but I’m bound to rub people the wrong way. Sorry for my imperfection and lack of discrete thinking process. I can just say, oh! Other people do it, too!

Back to this election stuff. Do you get the feeling that too many people on the internet read too much conspiracy things and now the paranoia and rage are sort of bubbling up? Yes, people are angry because money is “mismanaged” or “overspent” and there are buddy-buddy scenarios when maybe it should not be so in the land of governtown… but how can there not be? It’s human nature. I think it will always be like that until every single human removes selfish desires out of themselves. I mean we’re talking hundreds of different people in these jobs. They go in thinking they’re going to change the world, but soon enough find out that they’re deadlocked and in order to get anything done, they have to play the game and do things they don’t agree with. People can say get rid of all the officials. Ok, let’s say that happens… you still have to deal with debt, budget crunches, and I don’t know, the whole decipher and interpret the law issue. If you just burn it all down, then it’s the wild west again. As much as I like horses, cowboys, and appreciate people who are fearless… it’s regression. Maybe potentially anarchy. Dear world, please don’t give me a reason to lock myself up for real. Government is necessary. Maybe what everyone should try doing is actually pitching in within their own communities. So many people are in their own homes or set places to be, that they don’t even look up to see what can be done. Some kids destroy something on the street, and some taxpayers have to fix it, or there are so many things falling into degradation all at once, no one can keep up fixing it all. How about don’t litter? Take care of stuff so it lasts everyone longer. Contribute some of your skills… for free. Cooperate. Easier said than done. Oh woe.

My son had this inflation project he had to work on last week. The average cost for a movie ticket in 1945 was around 50 cents. A car was like $1200 and a house was a little over $4000. Using an inflation calculator, 4 grand in 1945 had the same buying power as $52,691. Insane, right? It really blows my mind. I have a fear we’ll all be in the streets looking for scraps in 20 years. Well, maybe not you. It’s getting to the point I almost can’t buy a shirt, again. I hate spending $14 on a shirt that lasts maybe 10 washes. I don’t know if it’s my old washer, or what. I get to 3 washes on a new shirt and it really starts to fall apart. I had so many things get holes after 1 wash. This is like a $20 top, not a $5 one.  I’ve tried handwashing, but it’s abrasive on my hands and I think it wastes more water. I’ve tried making my own detergent, but the hub cringes at it. I’ve gone at least 3 wears before washing shirts and a week or more for jeans to try to make things last longer and save energy. Sorry clean freaks, I promise I don’t smell, and don’t worry about me sitting on your couch because I’m usually at home or in the car. China is killing me with the lack of quality. I don’t know that you can really blame China, it’s more like the companies themselves who maybe give the approval on these inferior, manmade fabrics. They try to cut costs where it shouldn’t be. Then we’re screwed because, that’s all there is to choose from! I have wondered how fabric is woven and if I can make it myself. Where do you get the supplies? How long does it take to weave basically thread by thread? Does America even make fabric anymore? I’ve gone into fabric stores around here and I can’t even find, let alone afford, to buy any I want. I have a hard time dropping the money when I know I can just go into a Walmart, a Target, or a Kohl’s for something that costs less and probably is sewn right vs. my MAJOR lack of sewing dexterity and lack of a serger.  Forget bigger department stores. For the price of jeans there, I could practically outfit my child in Target or Childrensplace clothes for 1-2 seasons.  Fashion changes so quickly. I can’t see the point in taking a chance in buying something more ‘designer’. I used to work in department stores. I think quality overall has gone downhill for everything. I recommend consignment stores to find better quality, sometimes even more style, but now the ‘garbage’ is being taken up in them, it’s bad, and it’s going to get worse. What happens when consignment has nothing left to offer? They close and some people really depend or enjoy shopping them. I had shirts in the 90s that lasted well over a decade. I’d still probably wear some of them if they fit. Yes, I have some of them. And you know, I’m glad I didn’t get rid of them. I may have to tear them up and make something out of them in the future. I will probably have to take sewing lessons. I want to learn ‘real’ sewing. I’m tired of feeling like a slob. Tailored clothes need to make a comeback.  Maybe we’d respect each other a little more. That sounds bad, but think about how people treat each other differently just by appearance or how they carry themselves. This lack of quality thing scares me. I hope my kids are grown before the day arrives when we resort to making our own clothes from self, handwoven grass or something. All I need is one brisk wind to remind everyone why underwear was created. There are people who want to get back to roots, but I don’t want to go that far back. I knit, but even that’s unfavorable because all the synthetic yarns have a weird texture, or pill in the wash. Colors are limited. They don’t hold their shape well. Who wants to spend weeks on a project for it to fall apart after a wash or two? I even researched getting my own spinning wheel and a sheep. I really did, but then it was like, who am I kidding? I’m allergic to wool. Even if, I don’t have anywhere to put a sheep, and you wouldn’t want him to be alone. Then if they ever got sick or old and died I’d feel really bad because I can’t handle it. I had a fish get sick and die and I’m still not over it. I think it was bad of me to have one, but my child really wanted a pet fish. I think fish are harder to take care of than cats and dogs. There’s a whole ecosystem balance you have to get right and maintain.

And what about all the other stuff? It makes me sick to think of the workers they take advantage of to make these prices low. To think how naïve most of us would be still if people didn’t risk getting their stories out. Yes, ‘merika, slavery still exists. It’s nuts to me. They have so many people, they want the same things anyone else basically does, right? Yet, I have crazy thoughts like China is secretly trying to poison us from the inside out and we’re too stupid to see it. Greedy U.S. puts making money as priority. Of course anyone who hates us is going to use that as an opportunity to bring us down if they can. This is a subject I could talk about for awhile, but it’ll just make me sound like a complete ass or a spoiled brat. Look, I’ve been poor. I used to use boxes as furniture and eat a can of green beans with some rice for my dinner. I’ve slept on other people’s futons/couches/floor. It sucked, and I don’t ever want to go back. I don’t ever want to have days where I’m hungry again. I don’t want my kids to be in that boat, either. If middle class is feeling it, then the poor are hurting badly, maybe more than before, but I don’t know. They have access to free stuff now, like phones… yeah wish I had that one before when I needed it. I can understand, but this raising minimum wage thing is just going to cause companies to raise all their prices again to cover the wages they’re paying out. They all will argue that the companies cannot exist if they don’t go overseas, but what happened to cause this mess anyway? Greed? People who didn’t want to work? Lack of skilled workers? Too many regulations? People paying cash to others to do jobs for them that they once did for themselves? How about paying for things which reduce their funds that neighbors or family used to for each other for free? LIKE BABYSITTING. I’m thankful that women can work outside the home, but how much of it just came back as a strain on the family in other ways? Technology… how much is good, and how much did it incapacitate us to our sofas? People literally work just to buy electronics and perhaps food, because you know, you kind of need that to live. Oh and medical tests. I feel like I’m going to be sent to detention for not seeing the doctors for checkups, mammograms, or whatever they say. You know, I don’t HAVE to live forever. I don’t have to live the longest life possible. It’s odd to me that we think it’s wrong if we don’t do everything possible to keep all of our body parts in working order. Some say suicide is a sin. What, now NOT going to the doctor and getting crazy expensive MRIs and surgery is, too? No one wants to lose the people they love. We don’t want anyone to be in pain. But what the hell good is it if you survive, but have near millions in debt because of medications and surgeries? Let’s say you’re near senior status. It’s not like you’re going to work and pay that off. People’s bodies fall apart. I’m falling apart. My back is messed up. My knee has something wrong with it. My brain is going. I’m developing metatarsal something or other and now I can’t find shoes that fit my right foot without causing the kind of pain that makes you want to fall on your face. I’m going to have to move far south to wear sandals all the time or something. I’m such an a-hole. Yet, I recognize that I’ve made some choices that have caused some of these problems. I hope I don’t die before my children are able to continue on somehow without their mom, but hey, gotta make room for the newbies, right? Just think how many other parents out there feel like their kids wouldn’t be able to make it without them? I believe some parenting is good, but there is a line where it just cripples a child from maturing. Anyway, who wants to stay here forever if the soul gets to move on, wouldn’t it be fun to see what else is out there? I prefer less horror and suffering scenarios, so hopefully if the heaven realm is the only other half of the afterlife, I get to stay there. Frankly, I’m curious about the rest of the universe and the unseen between.

Nearing the finish of today’s rant… this election scares me. I voted, but it’s a terrible feeling to doubt how you voted. I stuck with my decision and the majority of course doesn’t agree with me. It doesn’t usually. I’m at peace with my choice, but it’s kind of disconcerting that some people are a bit malicious towards anyone who didn’t vote strategically. These people who are strategizing their votes kind of sickens me. It’s like they’re whoring out a valuable American right in a chess match. How is that different from the government leaders and lobbyist game? They want something different? Fine vote 3rd party, but look, no one does because it’ll be wasted.  I am terrified of Trump being the nominee for the Republicans. I do not trust that man for the presidency. He is a businessman. He watches out for numero uno. I think he has a conflict of interest and will influence things to benefit him and his friends. In the past he donated to Democrats. Now I don’t have a problem with Party A vs Party B vs Party C, etc. That doesn’t matter to me because everything is getting convoluted. Not too many people will adhere to clear party lines. Anyhow, if he was a Democrat, donated to Democrats, isn’t it most likely that he throws his hat into the ring to either 1: be so crazy that you would think the election would be handed to Hilary, or 2: once his butt in that oval office chair, he will work for Democrat interests even if he ran as a Republican? He doesn’t strike me as the type of person who would care about that sort of thing.  Have you ever heard him really speak up for small businesses yet? I haven’t. Maybe I missed it. He appears to be taken up by this tidal wave of adulation. It excites him, and I don’t believe he really has all Americans best interests in mind nor does he have a clue about how to get anything done. It’s a power position he’s after. He wants to reach the summit. I wonder if there are blocks to things he wants to remove in order to accomplish what he’s really wanting. People think he will fight for them, but I can see him getting carried away and making decisions that steer more toward selfish hopes. Like a salesman, he will do what he can to get you to buy. Doesn’t mean he’ll stick to it. Then he’ll explain, well, there’s this insert loophole. I want to say I’m wrong, but I had feelings about the current president when he was running. To me, he was a dreamer who appealed to inspiration, but lacked leadership or realism to accomplish things. The overuse of executive orders may be a demonstration of leadership in his book, but I don’t think it is right. I think Trump will make things worse on many levels. We could probably be in a war within 2 years of a Trump presidency. Why would anyone give leadership to someone who behaves like a tantrum throwing child? These “deals” he speaks of? He probably acted like a stubborn baby until he wore down whomever he was “negotiating” with. Then people think they NEED to compromise with him because of the $$$ signs associated with his name. D’oh!

For me, this decision was almost easy. Who can hold up with other people from around the world when it comes to talks? Who knows the game? Who has compassion? Who cares, really? Who is realistic? Who has focus? Who has experience? Networks? Inside knowledge? Who will really do the work? Talkers don’t get much work done. Complainers don’t get work done. Who will shut up and work? Who will actually listen and try to find solutions? Who is brave enough, displays some wisdom, and knows they’re there entrusted to lead and should not rest on their haunches too long? No one fills all these? Then pick the person who is the best fit. I don’t need my President to be entertaining. That’s what the whole entertainment industry, sports, and recreation is for.

If a business isn’t likely to hire someone without experience or training, especially for a specialized position, why would anyone in their right mind think it’s going to be great to hire a person to be President that is basically like the college student who smokes weed and talks like they’re already some big thing, but the problem is, the kid hasn’t even graduated yet, done an internship, networked with the appropriate channels, etc for that particular big thing?

The brainpower of this country scares me. I’m no exception. I can’t even write the way I was taught to. I wonder how many people voted for Trump just because they saw ‘everyone else’ doing it. How many voted for Trump because they saw a 30 second blurb on YouTube or a retweet taken out of context? Crazy apparently is the new cool. I wonder if I should leave this country before we’re locked in for the ride if he’s President, and I can’t believe I even think that. So many people try to get in, and I’m thinking maybe I should get out. Patriots will jump on that and say obviously I should because that’s Anti-American. This is not quite the same thing, but I would venture to say, tell that to the Jews when Hitler came a knockin.I don’t want to be here when war comes. The fact that we ‘can’t’ make anything anymore, aren’t good with problem solving,  or know how to do math, use science, etc. makes us an incredibly vulnerable nation. A broad and toughened military doesn’t mean much if you’re on the outs with the world and you can’t even make clothes for your people to wear. Where would the military even get what they need to defend us if they don’t even make the weapons, armor, or supplies anymore, huh?  Do we even know how to build planes here? I don’t need a doctor to inform me about that type of health risk. Remember the wall being torn down in Germany? I imagine people coming from everywhere entering the U.S. as if scaling walls to tear the country down. I don’t know how America really became “great”. I don’t know what “evil” helped contribute to it, but I’m sure there has been evil. It’s always right there cozying up next to power. The melting pot, rights, democracy… how long can that really last? The ideal is an idea. People forget that. I can imagine things, too. Doesn’t mean that’s going to be reality. Mob mentality scares me. I don’t want to be in the path of that wave. If I feel this, then others probably do, too. It’s paranoia and it puts people on edge. Just as when you cook, there are certain things that just don’t mix well together. This is the chemistry of the world we live in. Maybe to some degree, it’s the same with people. Why do people think it’s a terrible thing if we don’t mix perfectly? Maybe the separation caused by geographical formations and of continents themselves, was nature’s way of trying to maintain borders. Oil and water don’t mix because of polarity. You hold a magnet one way and put another magnet with the same pole facing it and it repels. What if what is in us is the chemistry that attracts or repels. Positive, negative charges. Positive/negative attitudes. Good/evil. Love/hate. When people date, we might refer to “chemistry”. This is in nature. We are part of that, not above it. If we were aliens, then we wouldn’t be subjected to obeying these natural laws. It wouldn’t affect our relations, right? Yet this is something people battle over. I think it’s like we’re trying to figure out how or what can be blended. However, maybe we need to be prepared to accept that there might be natural things that we will not overcome. Why do people forget that we are part of nature? We came out of this earth. So maybe I should just focus on letting the grass grow this summer and get to weaving.

Thanks for reading/listening. Please don’t be mad at me.

*DISCLAIMER These are just the opinions and thoughts of one individual. The thoughts and opinions stated here are subject to change and the expressor shall not be held liable for any damages, effects, or actions which may result through nature, acts of God, or by others.

Ah! I’m a big, dumb, dork. I almost forgot what started me on making a post. While I was researching ways I could sell art, I found this web site that will put your art onto products. I was excited because I read they made duvet covers and that is unusual. I like things that are a little different. I browsed several pages because I was curious to see how someone’s designs would translate onto a duvet, and guess what? Once again, I came across something to remind me of you (dude, I s**t you, not!)  Ha ha! Sorry, I just realized my comment was kind of fitting ~ made me think of that scene in your movie considering I’m mentioning duvets. Cleveland is still cold this time of year.

This is where you can find it at Society6:

I Love My Operating System by Derek Eads

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conumdrum – Who’s on First?

I can’t ever talk to the hub about his work. I can’t ever talk to him about anything, and I don’t know why I ever thought I should ask him how his meeting went yesterday. He makes me so angry. He sits there and calls all his employees garbage, but he doesn’t ever stop to think that part of the problem might include himself. Just a few moments ago, he was  sort of re-enacting his interactions with his employees. He was saying how they almost blew production again yesterday so he pulled his supervisors to investigate who was to be held accountable and find the reason(s) why things weren’t going well. There’s a process that people weren’t following properly. He said that the supervisors are supposed to check trailer numbers that come up to the bay then walk in and check the computer to see if they match because sometimes the guys are being lazy pieces of **** and pull up the wrong trailer than the one they’re supposed to. The supes are “lazy pieces of ****” and look at the computer, write the number down, and then go outside to verify. Then he said they don’t verify. The actual verification is checking the number on the trailers first, then checking the computer. I said, what’s the difference as long as they match? He said, because they’re not actually verifying anything by writing the number down from the computer then going outside to look at the trailer. I still didn’t get it, so I said, but if the number on the truck matches, then what’s the problem? Then he says because everything gets shipped to the wrong city. So I ask again, how is it possible if the numbers match? Then he said, because they don’t verify. I’m thinking in my head, wtf? I really must be stupid because I’m not following. He reiterated how they’re supposed to check the trailer first, then the computer. So I’m like, ok they check the trailer, it’s #7, they walk in and see #10 on the computer… they still can fix it. So what’s the problem? Then he said because sometimes the computer is wrong. I’m like, how can the computer be wrong? The computer isn’t wrong, it’s the truck that got pulled up to the bay and the person who backed it in. Then he said the supes are lazy and they just write the number down from the computer and go out to “verify” the truck. At this point, he’s practically yelling at me in frustration. So I say, ok, but if the person sees #10 on the computer, then they walk out and see #7 in the bay, then they know it’s the wrong trailer and they can fix it. Then he says, they don’t check the trailer. I’m like, but you just said they did. Then he goes on again about how guys sometimes pull up the wrong truck to the bay and it screws the next people down the line. Now I get frustrated. So I’m like, why don’t they just have him move it and get the right one? Then it would keep things in order. It would take just a couple of minutes. If everyone is so pressed for time, what’s a couple minutes if it prevents packages going to the wrong city? If everyone is so worried about time, then I can see why people are writing the number down first and going out to the truck to look at its number. They do it to cut time. Who wants to keep walking back and forth, anyway? Why don’t they radio it, then?  He was mad at me, “because people can hear wrong!” They have to follow the process or it gets screwed up. I said, I understand they’re supposed to follow the process, but if the numbers match I don’t see the problem. If the numbers don’t match, then why don’t they just have the truck changed out? So he proceeds to bark at me, “If they see it doesn’t match when they get to the computer, they can just edit it in 2 seconds!” I asked how do you edit a truck with its whole list of packages to be loaded? He said it was easy. Then I said, well maybe they don’t understand and think the same thing I do. He said, “I walk them through it.” I said, “Yeah, but everyone is under a lot of stress. They’re probably thinking of 10 other things that they have to do while you’re trying to show them & they can’t remember it all. Why don’t you have them bring a small flip fold notebook and write it down?” He yells, “Write what down?” I said, “the process”. He yells, “They know the process.” I said, well maybe they can’t remember! You’re hard to understand when you’re yelling or mumbling because you leave things out. You need to work on your communication. People learn differently.  He’s like,  I take them out and show them what to do! I said, yeah, but some people learn by seeing it on paper. Others learn by doing. Others learn by visual. Some people get confused under stress. They have a million things to be conscious of at the same time and maybe they forget. He said they take shortcuts and they screw up. Something interrupts them, and they forget to check the trailer and they just see the number they had written down and it messes everything up when they have to report it at the end. *DING DING DING! Why didn’t he just say that, I wonder, instead of us going through all this? Then he re-enacted portions of him talking to them in a condescending tone, so that pushed my button.

I interject, “See? What makes you think it’s ok to talk to them like that?”

He said, “Because we’ve gone over it many times & they still don’t do what they’re supposed to.”

I’m like, “Oh… like how your wife tells you… and you get mad at me when I start speaking to you in a condescending way.

He got mad, “This is why I never tell you anything about work.”

So I said, “Well, how is it different then?”

He said, “Because I’ve gone over it a million times with them.”

I said, “Yeah. Like how I do with you.”

Then he steams.

Pause… Then I got out of bed in a huff and said, “You never listen. You think, ‘whatever, you don’t even work so f* you.’ And I’m telling you, you can’t treat people like they’re supposed to be automatons and be cold-hearted, businesslike especially under that kind of stress. Not everyone can be like that. It takes more than just following process to be a manager. You have to look at every one of your employees and see them. EVERY one of them. You need to know how they learn best, what their strengths and weaknesses are, and how to handle them. It’s not cookie cutter. You think I’m stupid, but as a layperson, I am telling you that if it’s not clear to me what you’re saying, there’s a possibility it’s not clear to them, either. You get upset with me because you take a ding to your ego or pride or whatever, but what about theirs? Why would they even do anything if they already feel like they’re “pieces of sh*t” at their jobs anyway? Yeah they’re going to take shortcuts if they have to because they don’t want you or any of their bosses breathing down their necks or threatening their jobs every 15 minutes. You’ve been at this job what, 20 years? They’ve been at it maybe 3? 2? I don’t f*ing know.”

Then I stormed out of our room and here I am typing, trying to make sense of it all.

Guess what? I don’t. That company hires people to be supervisors because they have a degree, but no experience in what it takes to do the work. They weren’t in the trenches. Then they promote people who started in the trenches that can’t handle the stress load or can’t see the wide picture of all that goes on at the same time. They have to see all the parts simultaneously and be able to predict the areas that are starting to break down before it fails so they have time to fix it. The people in HR don’t understand what exactly they need to look for in a potential employee or they can’t find someone to fill the shoes. Then they have problems because they don’t have the right people doing the jobs! It’s patchwork. A bust here, a bust there. Run here, run there. Scream at each other. Berate each other. Management mad at HR. Employees mad at the rest of them. Shareholders crying foul into their blankies if they don’t make money off their backs.

I also don’t understand how he can be so hard on everyone and call them lazy when he doesn’t exactly do anything around the house that NEEDS to be done. If what needed to be done was the be-all and end-all then why isn’t he sucking it up and DOING it then? Does that mean he’s a lazy piece of sh*t, too? Like other people don’t have lives outside of that job. No, there can’t be anything outside that might affect their performance and retention. They can’t be tired. And no, they’re not allowed to be new at it. They have to be 100%, every second. You know, he was new at one time. There were people willing to take the time to mentor him and give him 2nd chances, but I guess he has a short memory. ARRRRGH! I f*ing hate this world and I wish I were dead so I don’t have to hear, see, taste, touch, or smell it anymore. It’s so angry, so cut-throat, so cold. We’re not allowed to be happy. We’re supposed to pretend emotions don’t exist. He expects it from everyone because he’s a boss. He requires it of himself. Well, I don’t want to live that way. I feel like it’s making me. He’s making me. Would you? It’s like being trapped and poisoned. That’s the real global warming if you ask me. We make everything so complicated in the name of “progress” for “success”. How is it really easier when you trade manual labor for toxic attitudes, destruction, and “chasing the wind”? Manual labor teaches value. It levels your ass. It also keeps you busy enough to be exhausted at the end of the day to even have the energy to fight one another. Waste time fighting, you don’t eat. You freeze. You lose resources, whatever. Fighting happens because something in yourself is offended. You want to be more important. You want to defend yourself and all that you think you are. We rape the Earth, we rape each others minds, then we go on to lusting after the things we want with no satisfaction in sight. It’s the dumbest pile of * and a total waste of time. We literally are here because of these stupid desires. Even wanting to die is a demonstration of personal will/desire. Maniacal laugh: Maybe we are here because we are the “fallen” ones, desiring to chase after selfish wants instead of worshiping a ‘Creator’ if there is one. No, we couldn’t possibly humble ourselves and give in. We can’t just exist, naturally. We sooooo have to have more. Want more. Find out more than maybe we were ever meant to & it’s destroying everything. We’re here because we value personal will. We will be here as long as it takes to break down and give in. That’s what I see these days. It’s a mercy game. I don’t want to arm wrestle. Yet I still do, don’t I? That’s why I’m still here, isn’t it? Watch the child throw a tantrum while his/her parent tries to hold him/her still until they tire out from the fatigue of thrashing about. Whatever, I’m probably just stupid: stupid little hamster… run on your wheel as if you can escape. Somebody pet me so I can feel better and do it all again tomorrow. They will. Why? Because we’re all headed in the same direction. We feed each other. We will all break down the barriers until we can’t see where one begins and one ends. Who knows, maybe that’s where we’ll find “God”. That’s the real reason I stay in the bubble. My head will explode. There are so many people, so much energy, so much of it all. Yes? The feeling is intense.

 

 

My forehead has “faux pas” tattooed on it.

I think I have social anxiety disorder. I really do. For the past week, I’ve been dreading going to this Blue & Gold Banquet for my son’s cub scouts. I had to go. He was getting his first badge, called the Bob Cat badge. (Hey man, I dunno. It’s what he wanted. I am proud of him.) Well, since we are new to the den, I didn’t know what these ceremonies entail. There’s a flag ceremony, pledge to the flag, scout salute, scout oath, da, da, da… and when he’s presented with his badge, the troop leader pins it on my boy’s shirt and gives my son a “parent pin” to pin on me. I did not dress for this pinning thing. I didn’t know what to do. My son is too short to pin it. I was nervous as heck in front of all those people. My common sense went “Whoop,” right out the window. Yes, my dear. I really did stick my hand up my shirt in front of at least 100 people. I want to die. Everyone was so nice to not say anything or react to my face, but I realized my stupidity. God help anyone whom I may have flashed. I get to see these people next week, too. I don’t want anyone to take away my gun rights. I may need them to remove the memory from my brain. How do all the wild people do this stuff and not care? I think I’m a product of my environment. I want to go where I can blend. People are starting to know me and it makes me nervous. I have anxiety every time I have to talk to them and set up play dates. I am running out of BS to talk about. I can’t just fill the time anymore with asking questions in order to gauge if I am “safe” to be around them.

I HAVE to take my son to all the meetings. The hub has to work here on out during these meetings since they switched his shift. He can’t help that, and you know it’s one of the trade-offs of one parent having to work. Sure, I feel like I suck. This was exactly what I was afraid of. I am not a den mother. I’m not into camping anymore ever since I was a kid. I’m not into the feel good thing of learning about the world. My existence is not meant to be broadened. If it was, it wouldn’t have been such a struggle during the time I was all about that. I’ve learned to quit fighting the universe and stay in my bubble. I was afraid I’d be the one doing the work with him, instead of his father. Now before you blow your lid with annoyance, I want you to understand that I just feel that this is something he should be able to do with his father, almost exclusively. He’s almost 10, and I think that may be the time in a boy’s life when he needs to be able to feel like he’s growing up, starting to have adventures, explore, etc. with the guidance of his dad and with other boys around his age. Perhaps I’m archaic. I just don’t have the desire to participate. I can happily sit here and watch him learn, see the sparkle in his eyes, listen to him speak enthusiastically about his experiences, etc. I just don’t want to experience it as a “scout” as well. I am happy for him. I do like being his mother. I just don’t want to be helicopter mom, in his face, 24/7. He needs to develop his independence. I don’t want him going out into the world and falling flat on his face like I did because no one ever let me really do anything. Those years are crucial. I guess some would say they are all crucial. Ok, they win. I’m obviously an idiot without common sense. The only thing I could think to do was hop on here & add to my humiliation by posting what I did, to the world. Yes, the world, because you will never read this. The good thing though is, no one knows I’m here. I can feel like I’m expressing, getting heard, without having to get involved with others. It makes staying in the bubble possible. It’s cozy in here. I realized that when I was “alone” it was good, because I didn’t have to put on face. I could go to sleep and wake up at odd hours. I didn’t have phone calls to return. I didn’t have anyone telling me what to do. I was sort of trapped, but at least I wasn’t having to answer to the world. My goal in life is simply to exist and enjoy the time I have to be here. That means cutting all the extraneous out that I’m not willing have push at me. It sounds horrible, but I figure, if God’s other creatures pretty much can do the same, then why not me?

It’s 2:30 A.M. and I missed ‘free shipping’ day.

Christmas. What do you think of it? I’m lazy about it this year. I feel sick to my stomach that it’s become another chore on a list of things to cross off. I miss the magic of childhood. I mourn that today’s children don’t really get to experience that. The majority of kids in my family are 9 and older. This year’s wish list for each of them… practically blank. They only want tech devices. This worries me. Without an imagination, our future is screwed. How will they even make anything new? How will they even make anything? Do they realize they’re mostly living in the product of someone else’s imagination and therefore also, its limitations?

My family is wonky. There aren’t any holiday “traditions.” It drives me nuts. No baking together, no holiday songs playing in the background, no singing, no church, not even black Friday. I tried getting the kids to make cookies with me this week. They weren’t interested at all. I turned 40 a week ago, and never in my life have I ever baked cookies with anyone. How the frig does that happen? I live a sad existence. Anyone want to bake cookies with me? No, that is not code for anything. I swear someone better adopt me as a grandma, someday. I’ve been working on the fattening up part so I can give good, squeezy hugs. Do you love me, yet? Nah.

I hosted Thanksgiving a few weeks back. Man oh man, did I feel sick about it, too. I started preparing a little over a week before, because I had 20 people coming. I am not a good person when I am anxious… which is all the time, anymore, it seems. See, last year, the turkey was an hour late coming out of the oven and my father-in-law is a cranky, mouthy sort. He will say pretty much just enough to give you his 2 cents. He only likes his wife’s cooking, so I pretty much disappoint before they even show up. We also ran out of food last couple years due to the hoover nephew/niece of mine. How was I supposed to know that one would eat an entire tray of rolls and the other would eat half a lasagna pan of cornbread dressing herself? So rude, my sister didn’t even get any mashed potatoes and a third of the people didn’t get gravy. What normal human does that? So this year, I started a week ahead, quadrupled recipes, and still wasn’t ready when they showed up. But hey, the turkey was ready, beautiful, and I always make a good one (please don’t be upset with me). Only come to find 2 of them are working and the third is stuck in juvie through Christmas because he lied to the judge 3 times. *sigh

Now, I come to find the other day, I am hosting Christmas. This would be spectacular, but I don’t feel cut out for this hosting business. I already worry too much about everything. It’s insane that no one ever helps out in the kitchen & it’s worse because I don’t have a dishwasher. Over Thanksgiving, the counters were piled high with dirty bowls, pans, utensils, etc. and no one, not even my husband, did anything. He was busy drinking beer with my brothers. *sigh I bust my tail trying to put out the best that I can despite no one has ever taught me how to cook. I made myself sick for weeks in advance. I spent over $300 on food and drinks. I didn’t even have appetizers made because I had to halt everything to do dishes. The money on some things was wasted. Then I eventually was stuck at the main table with the parents, and the hub didn’t sit with us. It was an awkward, quiet time. And let me tell you, it’s really hard to stay awake through it all when you haven’t slept in over 24 hours. My hands were literally cracked, bleeding, and beet red from all the cleaning, scrubbing, and washing my hands constantly. My feet felt flat and my back ached. I felt like there was a weight on my shoulders causing me to be cemented to the floor. I just don’t get it.  I can’t figure out this family. I’m so tired and I don’t think I can do Christmas. I mean, my tree isn’t even fully up, yet. It’s half up and I still have to get replacement lights before I can get the top part on. My living room is a storage box disaster zone right now, and the dog decided to relieve himself in the dining room despite the fact I took him out twice in the hour prior to his doing so. Which means, I have to rent a shampooer tomorrow. Yeah, we found a dog. It’s fluffy. That’ll be another post.

I’m not done shopping. Finally, here we are about a week before Christmas, and people finally get back to me about their kids’ wish lists, despite the fact I asked repeatedly since October. ARGH! I tried to get online tonight and search for something that could be shipped, but I just don’t have it in me. I don’t feel like shopping. I’m tired of spending money and I’m sure whatever I get will end up on someone’s floor or forgotten anyway. We try to have a gift exchange with the adults, but a lot of us end up getting gift cards for each other.  It’s so dumb, I don’t know why we even do that. Just keep your money. lol This is why I grieve that we don’t have any traditions anymore. I miss being a child and going to my grandparents’.  I tried making a game one year. They seemed to have fun, but now it’s back to being, eh. I know the evening will end in discussion of Trump and politics, my brother in law telling us of his latest travels and complaining about taxes, my brother snoozing, my other brother glued to his laptop, my sis being mopey, my mom not feeling well, my dad recapping something he’s forgotten he’s already told me 3 times, my husband drinking until his switch flips and he decides he wants everyone out of the house, and my being stuck cleaning. The worst part is my normal brother won’t be here this year, and he’s the life of the party. I don’t get to take part, really. I’m just the person people ramble to, but it annoys me because I feel like I’m not paying attention while I cook and clean. That’s the sucky part about hosting when no one pitches in. You’d think they’d at least bring a side dish or something other than store bought sweets. Sometimes I fear there will never really be a home in the home I’ve always ached for. I wonder why I am a human and not a robot. I should be a robot. I’d feel a lot better.

 

 

 

 

Someone tell me the magic answer.

How do you overcome disappointment and move forward? I had a moment today that I can only sum up as not knowing I could be even more brokenhearted than I already had been by someone. The hub was promoted in his job to a higher management position a few months ago. It’s something that he’s been wanting. It’s something that he’s good at. I don’t have a problem with it, really. What’s annoying though is for years, I’ve been hearing how he has to do “this” and “that” to “network” and get promoted. I’ve been hearing how we never have “enough money” to do anything, like take a weekend trip together. It’s always, “when I get promoted,” we will… The thing is, he has had 3 promotions in the 16 years we’ve been married. There’s a real possibility he will be promoted again quickly within a year or two due to lack of qualified candidates & upcoming retirements. The next promotion involves going elsewhere, such as a larger city. The one after that requires him flying between multiple states. First, he told me we’d probably be moving within the state, then it changed to out of state. I’ve been reticent and cranky because we finally purchased our first house almost 2 years ago. They, whoever they are, always recommend not buying unless you’re going to live in your house for at least 5 years. I told him as much as I wanted a house, I didn’t think we were ready. Mainly, I didn’t want to get tied into something with a person I no longer was sure about, but that’s something I’ve written about a thousand times (not yet posted). So anyhow, this job has him working quite a bit. To a certain degree, that’s not unusual, but these past 2 months are grating on my nerves. He’s been going in at 3 or 4 pm and not getting out till 6 A.M. The past week is something else I’m not quite sure how to deal with because the feelings just seem more sure and less accommodating than the past. He was supposed to have a vacation last week. Once again, it was changed last minute. He said his work was sending him out of state to help “fix” a failing part of the organization he works for. Now, coming from a place of distrust due to other events, I found myself trying not to be on that line… you know the line. I was given the itinerary and such, but you know, printouts are printouts. Anyone can fake a set of black and white pages. Then there’s the obvious thought of how is he supposed to fix something in a week? Turns out they’re bringing others in over the course of a month, but still… So I go with it, whatever. Did I have a choice anyway? During the week, we only talked once (he called Monday). I called on Wednesday and he said he was out eating and grabbing drinks with guys from work. I said, “ok” and I hung up. Then I went to get ready for bed. He texted me, “Talk to you later?” I didn’t answer, because it was 1:30 A.M. and no, I wasn’t going to talk later because I was going to sleep. The other 2 times he called, I was busy doing stuff and he proceeded to yell at me via text like I was purposefully avoiding his calls, like I’m supposed to be attached to the phone or something. Then he was mad at me when he called one night because he thought I was hitting ignore, when I was actually talking to my friend whom I rarely get to talk to. I’m not one of those people who puts someone on hold. There’s this invention called voicemail, and I expect others to use it when the system clicks them over to it. If you don’t leave a voicemail, I deem that whatever you wanted was unimportant and I don’t return your call. After I hung up with my friend, there’s a series of angry texts from him, so I called him. I wasn’t happy about that, so I had a tone. He starts jumping down my throat, and I said I was talking to my friend, and what, “did I need his permission now to talk to someone?” He said, “no”. Then I asked what he wanted, but in an abrupt/aggravated tone, and he yelled at me that he couldn’t even remember now, so I said, “Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I was supposed to pick him up at 1:15, and I figured he was calling to tell me the time, but I didn’t sweat it because who knows if the plane would be on time. Then I didn’t call him to remind him to double-check his room and all that because he always gets annoyed and says, “I got it.” Well, he never does “got it” and I don’t know why in all these years he thinks it’s ever worked out otherwise. I was going to tell him to set his alarm, double-check his paperwork, and not to drink. I decided not to because I don’t really care and he would probably say he “got it” or “I’ll be fine.” So what did he do? I got a phone call at 6 A.M. He was upset because he looked at his papers wrong and missed his flight. I had an issue with the papers before he left. They weren’t stapled together. I didn’t push it because I figure there’s some ban on staples being on a plane ( I don’t know, I’ve never flown). Besides that he had it on his work laptop. You’d think that he would have put the papers he was done with in the trash or tucked them away because all that was left were the return portions of the trip. He told me they got him on the next plane. I’m thinking at the time, “whatever, you drank and overslept”. Then I got an angry text from him about possibly being bumped because they oversold the flight. In my view, however, “that’s what you get for not being on time/organized”. Then more of the distrusting thoughts I didn’t want to allow to grab holding ground in my mind triggered. Then, I thought, “Whatever. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. Now he’s stuck in an airport. Not my fault.” I then went ahead and texted the #1 thought that I realized by Wednesday of his trip, and that was this relationship is not going to work out for us if he gets another promotion. He thought I was starting an argument because he missed his flight. I was trying to explain realistically, it wasn’t going to work. The day he left here, he said his work would pay for him to fly out every week and back home on the weekend because it was cheaper for them than to pay relocation costs. Whatever. Over the long-run, that can’t be true. Here’s my thing: I already don’t feel in love with him anymore because of all the stuff he did for the first 10 years of our marriage. I lost respect for him. His word doesn’t exist because he doesn’t hold to them. I don’t even know how he’s gotten as far as he has in his job because he is disorganized and doesn’t pay attention to details… must be a jerk factor. You ever notice how jerks are the ones who climb the ladder? He hasn’t exactly treated me as how a spouse would treat another spouse if they really loved them. He has never bought us wedding bands. We never had a honeymoon, we never have taken a weekend trip anywhere alone, haven’t seen a movie alone in more than 5 years, we have never done anything “romantic” since before I was pregnant with our first child, and we have never celebrated a single anniversary. I had to fight the first few years just to get a Christmas tree and a gift for my child, not including myself. We didn’t celebrate birthdays until my 2nd child’s 2nd birthday, and oh yes, he missed their birthdays because it was more important for him to be in a bar with his friends. Which is why there wasn’t much money. Well, now he gets completely irate because he thinks I’m always throwing this back at him. When in my view, it’s actually what DEFINED our relationship. I just keep repeating it as causes to why I am the way I am when he wonders why I am reacting/behaving a certain way. Why would I expect anything else now? The trust thing is already a big thorn. Being with him has ruined me. I feel like my heart (caring/love) is like a blister: soft and tender beneath a calloused surface. It hurts. And now, he’s going to pick at it. About the promotion, flying every week and returning on Saturday? You and I both know that’s not going to happen. He will quickly tire of sitting in airports. You know the man will come home, sit in his recliner and sleep for 24 hours and then hop a plane back to work the next day. That is, IF he doesn’t spend his waking moments with his dad and friends first. My concern is absolutely valid. I have spent 16 years waiting to live my life with this man. He tried telling me today that it’d only be 9 more before our other child is out of school and supposedly I can “come with him”. For what? To wait in a hotel room while he’s at work for 13 hours and then goes out to the bar/breakfast for 6-7 hours after that? How long till he gets his own apartment? Like we can afford for me to fly every single time he goes to another destination? Is he forgetting our special needs son who will always be with me? Like I’m supposed to wait anymore? He says all the time that he’s not going to live long. I’m turning 40 in a few months. My life is basically half over and I haven’t done anything fun in almost 20 years. I told him, what is the point of making more money and making this house nice, if he’s not going to be around to enjoy it? What is the point of “providing” when if he died tomorrow, we’d be screwed because he doesn’t have any of the insurance information put together for us? He doesn’t have a will. He doesn’t have anything set if something happened. He said, that’s partially why he works so hard is for that. The other is, and his exact words were “I also do it because I want prestige.” He said, “wouldn’t you go as far as you could?” I said, “No, not at the expense of family.” Then I was deeply hurt because this m*f*er either doesn’t know me or forgot that I had to give up EVERYTHING because of him and our son’s needs. I wanted to move to New York when I was 23. I wanted to be an artist or a designer. I had talent. I had potential. I had wanted to someday become an art director or an art critic for an art magazine. Something! There was a time I wanted to work in film. I wanted to learn cinematography or try my hand at screenwriting, but low and behold I never had enough money. I constantly felt like I was swimming against the current. But see? That’s probably what separates the ones that are truly meant for it than the ones that aren’t. I never got a chance because I shot myself in the foot right out of the starting gate, so to speak. Then because I’m somewhat stubborn, I held to it because what resulted was partially due to having become pregnant. I quit. We decided to get married later. We felt that that we loved each other. Marriage is supposed to be a deal. You know? It’s a contract. You say the vows like it’s supposed to be held to. Hahaha.  He didn’t fulfill his part. There’s fallout from that. I try my best, you know? This man broke my heart today, again. Why? Because essentially, he said that the opinion of the people in his organization means more, is valued more, than what his own wife and family thinks. He’s been let down by his parents. He was abandoned due to their self-indulgences/addictions, but now again, I’m being punished for something I didn’t cause. I really think that. My opinion doesn’t matter, because when he started screwing around and dropping the ball in our relationship, I eventually changed my attitude towards him. No more nice gal. No more sweetness. No more home-cooked meals for him, mainly because 99% of the time, he never showed up. What did he think I would become after he abandoned us? I’m supposed to not speak up for us? So now their opinion matters more? I feel like I’m done. I’m done! Yet, what can I do? I have nothing to my name. I can’t do anything like I used to. Art is a different ballgame these days. I wouldn’t make that kind of art (putting it politely). I don’t have a car anymore. The one I have is 17 years old still sitting on jack stands in the garage. I have an autistic son, that the hub believes he is going to be the guardian for when he turns 18 in a few years just because he makes the money and has the medical insurance. I’m supposed to fight this? I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s all in vain. I want to leave. I can’t. I love the boys. I have to make it till they’re grown, but in 9 years, what is there then? Maybe you’re thinking just move the kids. My oldest will be starting a vocational school next year. I don’t want to move him because he needs stability so he can learn. It’s already so difficult for him. He needs to have a chance to do something, because one day I will be dead, and as it goes he has no one younger than his brother to watch out for him. Cousins can’t be depended on. Hell, I’m supposed to start a trust and appoint a trustee. It’s not looking good, my friend. My family is not close to each other. I don’t want to move my other son because we live in a good school district. I want him to grow up with his friends and have those good memories. I know what to do, but don’t know what to do. I want to run away. I want to move far away and start over, but I can’t for at least 9 years. I’ll be going on 50 then. What’s the point? I don’t mean to sound like a person who is only staying married because of their children. I want things to be good between the hub and I, but it’s been 16 years of this nonsense. I’ve been gypped. It’s not working. I’m stuck. I have to be willing to stay or throw it all away. I just have no way of making enough on my own. Time with the children would have to be sacrificed.  Who in their right mind is willing to give up everything for the sake of autonomy? I’m not a teenager.  I’m not being beaten.  What the hell is wrong with me? I sit around while he receives accolades. Hello people, I’m the one who’s tried their best to keep him straight and do something. I used to be something too, but I guess there can only be one somebody in a marriage because the other has to hold everything else down while the other gets to fly. If I had known I was never going to get to do anything again, I would’ve never married this man. Those quotes about waiting for the right moment, and there never being the right moment are so true. It’s my fault I pissed talent away. It’s my fault I didn’t bail 6 years ago when I had the chance when things would’ve ended up in my favor that maybe I could’ve finished that last year of college and started a career. Sounds awful, huh? We have a lot more than we started with. At least I can eat now. I don’t use stacked boxes for a bookcase or an upside down laundry basket for a coffee table. We actually have a dining table now. I have internet. I can type on a computer that isn’t in a library. I have a phone! We finally have tv! The stuff I complain about is so stupid.  If I go and have nothing, is that more honorable? Is it wrong that I expected to build a life together WITH my husband and not separately? Does that kind of guy even exist? I don’t envy rich folks. I don’t envy successful people who are all over the map. It’s impossible to exist cohesively. I don’t know how they do it. He thinks I’m supposed to be happy sitting here playing with his extra money once he gets “enough” promotions to make more than our bills. But you know, he’d just criticize me if I did. More will never be enough though, isn’t that how it turns out? He even said himself, it’s not enough where he is already. Yet, he makes me feel guilty for wanting wood floors because I’m sick of everyone spilling food and drinks all over our carpet. If he wants guests, then I want our home to stay nice and not smell like a stagnant pit of expired food. He gets annoyed when I want to paint. Well, it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to surrounding myself with “art” these days. Maybe I can do that once he moves to the airport. Pfft. Enough is never enough for either of us. He scoffs when I say I want a goldendoodle. Yeah I know. You tell me how else to find one. I’ve been looking for 2 years. There aren’t any in shelters. If I have a dog, it has to be “hypoallergenic” for my son. Can’t guarantee that, I know. There are other breeds, but I don’t want some incessant barker who feels his territory is being infringed upon, I don’t want a wirey furred pet, & I don’t want a tiny dog, either. No offense to anyone with tiny dogs. I can’t have my dream yellow lab, I’m lonely, and I want a big, fluffy dog. No Samoyeds in the shelters, either. Sorry. Don’t you activists worry though, I won’t be able to get a goldendoodle, anyway. They run almost $2000. Ridiculous. You certainly have a point being anti-breeder. I support that, but acknowledge that maybe some people want what they can’t have, otherwise. You can’t change a person’s mind when their desire outweighs what’s “right”. Friggin’ life. Just because it exists, doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

I suppose I sound like a spoiled brat & it’s hard to understand me.

Play it again, Sam:  I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Let’s talk about a character proposal

http://www.joaquinphoenixdarkroom.com

You’re going to hate me for saying this, but your face is changing. (So is mine by the way. I think mine’s turning into a potato.) I would like you to consider picking a part in a movie where the character looks… I have this image in my head of… *Quit thinking about potatoes!  I want to say it’s one of those old, black & white Frankenstein type/sci-fi movies or tv shows. The guy was tall and lanky, but hunched over and bony-faced. (Not to say you are those things. Just go with me, here!)

Ok, I had to try and search for it, and I just want you to know I’m probably going to have nightmares tonight, since one of the images on Google was the frickin’ Exorcist. I am terrified of that movie. TERRIFIED! I think I had nightmares about it from the age of 5 until 15. You know at the end of that movie, when she was “normal,” there’s this sense of relief? Well, not for me! She looked like one of my cousins. I know I’ve written this before in one of my letters, for some reason, but it’s not posted here. I also associate that movie girl’s face with peas. Gosh, what’s with the vegetables? I can’t remember the movie or show I am thinking of. I can’t remember the character. The closest, that pops into mind, is nosferatu (spelling?), but I’m not entirely confident that’s the one. I’m thinking this character was an assistant or a not-so-bright sidekick or something who was kind of treated badly.

No, I am not saying you are terrifying. I think that your facial features could be made terrifying with some effects, and although I never watch horror movies, (REALLY, I quit after Scream or Blair Witch, although I think those are probably classified more as suspense) I want you to do one. It could have a sad, heartbreaking undercurrent where the character has to do something he doesn’t want to do… If not, how about a film with very artistically-styled characters geared toward children? At least I would watch that one. *tsk. Because it wouldn’t be a horror film, silly! I know what you’re thinking! Oh, and I know you probably would not enjoy people putting makeup and devices all over your face (tee hee), but an artist suffers at times, no? Aw, do it for me. Thank you, Mr. Pip

 

Having a moment…

There are times like today, where I am reading all these terrible “news” stories, when suddenly, I get this overwhelming urge to seek out what’s “new” (if anything) with you. I visited the joaquinphoenixcentral.com website, but there was only an interview posted. I honestly haven’t been much in the habit of reading them for the past couple films, because I don’t find them interesting (please don’t take offense to that), but I clicked on the darn thing anyway, in hope of ‘hearing’ something funny from you. Eh. At least there was a picture (although not much of one since it was cut off. Artistic license is allowed). So anyway, I’m feeling unsatisfied. Go ahead. Say I’m a narcissist or something. If I wasn’t interested in propping my feelings up, I wouldn’t be writing in a blog right now. Just so ya know, I’m not really the type. I’m only doing this for a few reasons. #1 release, #2 Because I wanted to tell you what happened to me regarding you that started in 2007/8 (but it’s been a long time so what’s the point of putting it here. You won’t read it or believe me anyway. Also after reading this, you won’t like me because you will think I’m awful), #3 Apparently, I am not entitled to privacy in my own home so, at least if I spew my writing here, I know they won’t read it. Detect a little negativity?

I had to give up my “office” for a week so my MIL could live in it, although the hub and I argued about it. I wanted to buy a new mattress and bedding because I wasn’t going to make her sleep on the sagging one, towels for the bathroom, etc so she could be comfortable because in general, I want to make people feel comfortable. He was mad at me because he said “this is not a hotel, it’s just family”, and that he “didn’t care”. I proceeded to move all my crap out of the office into our room so the “office” wouldn’t look like a storage room and also because I don’t need her rifling through our mail, the kids school stuff like report cards and IEPs, pictures, papers, my diaries, things I feel are private, etc. There was no way I was hauling it into the basement or attic because the last time I moved things to that extent, I threw my back out for 4 months. Everyday, locked up, spasmed. Couldn’t walk upright. Then a few days later, we got into an argument (while she was here) because I didn’t care about clearing my gardening & garage sale stuff out of the breezeway for some family barbeque they wanted to throw. I was mad because I have been trying to unpack boxes and get this stuff together since Spring. Toys need to be matched up, clothes washed, etc. I’m mad because I had to REPACK it and move it back into the garage and basement, therefore making all the time I had spent POINTLESS. I’ll probably just donate what I can. Someone out there might like this stuff. Ugh. I was just mad because he made a big stink in the prior weeks to this visit yelling that we weren’t a hotel and that it was just family… 2nd, his mom didn’t come up here to watch us clean  3rd, everyone would be outside anyway b/c it’s SUMMER, 4th, I was pissed because I didn’t want to be caught between his mom and stepmom. I even parked a car out along the edge of the road before everyone arrived to serve as a getaway car, if need be. Oh how I heard up and down from them before all this, you won’t be! Then I LITERALLY, PHYSICALLY was STUCK between them on the porch. I couldn’t even get up to get a drink or use the restroom because my chair and I were the only things separating the women. Why does this matter? His stepmom was his mom’s best friend back in the day before his dad left one for the other, although his mom was messing around with others during their marriage… *sigh Whatever, people. I hate how everyone says I won’t have to x, y, z and then it always turns out I have to X,Y,Z. Then to top it off, I have very raw feelings about her being here because I see her as having a major hand in the craptitude of my marriage. Alcoholism BS to sum it up. I am not southern, but considering it felt like the world was closing in and no one was dealing with their history, I have to utilize the phrase as I grit my teeth, “Chickens were coming home to roost.” I was trying my best not to get mashed up in it or spout my anger. They can pretend all is fine, like they’re mature or civil. What they don’t realize… it F*d us up! That makes me bitter because I didn’t even know these people and I didn’t seek them out, but like always, what I try to avoid eventually finds me to force me into uncomfortable situations. It seems like I got put through the wringer by God to see if I was who I was at the time… er nope apparently I’m not… I believe it changed me for the worst. Maybe I will come out “authentically” better, but I’m not counting on it. I’m another sad casualty statistically, probably. Another one bites the dust and falls to the dark side.

Argh! Then she had the nerve to cry when she was leaving. Oh please! She brought it on herself all these years.  How can you say to me the 1st day you’re here, “I am ready to get back on the road, but I have to pay my dues first” and then cry because your grandchildren don’t know you? Why did you even come then? Why do I have to sit through this then? How can you cry about missing your son and say those words to me the FIRST DAY you are here? It was her doing! She chose alcohol and drugs. How can you talk about therapy and then get mad at me behind my back while you’re on the phone with your brother because I asked you how it was going? Wtf am I supposed to talk about with a stranger while your flesh and blood is at work all day? I didn’t invite you here. I don’t want you here. At one time I stood up for her, before I even knew what had happened to my husband. I have been married 15 years, been with him for 17, and this is the 2nd time I have ever met her and this is the 1st time she was sober in all those years. I have seen what she does to him. You bet I don’t understand the disease. You bet I don’t really care anymore either about being patient and compassionate because it became a burden and a hassle on the homefront. I can tolerate a whole lot, and I can be accepting, I understand people go through things, I understand there are things that are important to some and not others, but when you screw with my homefront and it screws with me, you’re gonna see someone really different. Calm & nice switches to erratic, screaming, psycho. However, it only is psycho because you don’t know what’s fueling my angry feeling… usually because I never speak up until you piss me off.

I am mad because she is hoping to come back up in a couple months after she gets her disability. Yeah…well that’s a terrible time. I am going to be busy helping my (autistic) son with his homework and cooking and cleaning and running my other one to extracurriculars. Homework will take hours simply for the fact he doesn’t understand the majority of what he reads and I have to try to explain it in several ways, in the vain hope something will click and he can write a sentence, a paragraph, or an answer in his own words. This is the time I have with them until they leave the nest. But really, only the younger one will. My autistic son will be with us probably for our lives. I am going to cherish my time with them the best I can despite the challenges. That’s it.  I don’t have time nor do I want to take criticism from a person who wasn’t even around at all for her own kids just because she isn’t going to like the intensity of homework time here. Who is she to think she can just waltz in and play nana. She had her chance with her own kids. She bailed. Do you see me turning to substances to deal with my sadness, my pain, my challenges, my failures, etc? NO! My pen hits the paper. Words get it out. Oh yeah. I have issues. I’m not happy about them either because I used to be nice and love everybody. I revealed in another post I was cracking. But I keep everyone’s little secrets so they can save face, but it destroys me in the process because I am not able to be or respect myself. So now I break down and scream in a blog so I don’t “deserve” respect. Whatever. You don’t know me, no one else does either, and you know, I’ve lived that way a long time so I didn’t have to hear from people what is right or wrong or what I should do. I know what I want, I just can’t do it because I have to be responsible and proper, do the right thing, not be selfish, blah blah blah. And again, I apologize for my terrible grammar and construction of my sentences, but I am not a WRITER. I express myself on the fly here. That’s that. ARGH! Why do I have to be stuck with her? I see her as the enemy! She bailed on my husband as a child. She left him after his dad left him. He got beat up by her boyfriend in the middle of the night. He was molested. How the frig can they just pretend there’s nothing to discuss when it sent him into his own drinking and everything, the accidents and bailing on me and the kids? It f’d us up. Why do I have to sit with her and scramble for small talk? Everyone knows I don’t talk. She is his mother, NOT MINE. Decades and now she wants to interject herself into our lives? Why, so she can move in just because she feels like a dependent child at his sister’s? Because her nerves can’t handle them? Like she could deal with us? So she can find something of ours to pawn? I don’t share space with people anymore. I like my little dungeon I have been forced into the past 15 years. I can only “manage” what exists in this box. He made me who I am today. Why should I feel like I have to leave if she shows up? I fought to maintain ground. I put up with years of BS for “love”, for “believing in him”, for this family… for us to finally get into a house. This is my space and I have the right to be happy in my home. I have panic attacks just thinking about how I have no escape if she is here. I can’t leave her here because she will steal, all while playing charming and sweet like a 10yr old girl because that is her coping face. Who knows what she will do with my boys. Oh she makes me sick how she puts on the sweet and pleasant and the hub just falls back into being the kid that was abandoned, hoping his mom really is mom this time. Then when he is gone, she rants like a teenager. WTF do I care about you? Just like WTF would anyone who might read this care about any of this? How can he not see how he turned me into his mother? I knew it! I knew that he pushed and pushed me until I became the thing he wanted to punish. I wish I had a way out and didn’t have to feel like I was being irresponsible. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t because I don’t have a career. I had to stay home. I had to be THE parent. I had to be the TEACHER. I had to be PROTECTOR. I had to be the FRIEND. I had to be the DAD. There wasn’t ever any money for me to get out because he drank it all, paid it to the courts, lawyers, rent, electric, and groceries and made sure I couldn’t get a babysitter or finish college. Was it so much he couldn’t spare $20 bucks out of the couple hundred he blew at the bars in a week? What could I have done then? He even used my car! I was stuck at home with our baby. If there had been an emergency I couldn’t call anyone or go anywhere. I had nothing. NOTHING! Now I’m going to be 40. It’s over for me. I still have nothing, technically. I have to grin and bear it. I’m the idiot because I wanted to help a friend, who I had feelings for who had no home. I fell in love. After our son was born and the hub bailed, I thought it was a temporary freakout. I wanted to be a good mom.  I helped someone alright. I helped myself into hell, especially personality wise. Then tell me how good of a mom that is. He sobers up and now he’s upset because our oldest son calls him by his first name instead of dad. Yeah, dude. When your disabled son who doesn’t understand much/can’t communicate well calls you by the first name, then clearly, you weren’t there enough for him to understand you’re dad. Girls, don’t EVER give up your future for “love”. Don’t EVER quit your jobs because he says he’ll take care of things. IT WILL BECOME THE VERY THING YOU RESENT. It will put all the power into his hands, and then you won’t be able to do anything but squirm like a tortured bug in them. Then the world will say you have no one to blame but yourself. I don’t care what anyone says. It will always come down to that whether you are the housewife, househusband, not the major breadwinner, whatever. Marriage is hell. There is no way you can be prepared for it. You just don’t know until you’re in it with someone. You will always be at odds because you grew up in 2 different families. You have different expectations. Different goals. Different values. Different beliefs. Different rates of change. Different energy levels. Different humor. Different people are important to you. Different spending/saving approaches. Different ideas of what is fun. It is constant opposition. Constant compromise. Not everyone is happy, and it all adds up and then it blows up. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Good luck for those who are brave enough to take the plunge, but honestly even if you just stay together and don’t get married, breaking up really won’t be THAT much easier. Someone always gets the short end of the stick. Someone always gets hurt. Sometimes it disgruntles you and it grows resentment. Stay clear if you can, but you won’t. Marriage is supposed to be a real commitment. It takes REAL commitment. There is suffering in marriage as well as reward. Yet, it falls on you to decide what’s well enough and what is not, doesn’t it? I say that b/c if you mention God, well his idea is probably absolute commitment. However, like others, I’m not fully comfortable with that. But is it really our design to judge? I dunno. In my opinion, it’s supposed to be the place where you can be yourself. REALLY yourself, despite the opposition. Maybe, ideally. Who knows? I’m a moron. Ok, I have to get off this. Clearly, I don’t know what I’m talking about. And yes, I know the MIL has stuff going on too, clearly. I will get over it eventually. No one said that’s ever easy. Then you have to take into account, the feeling that you have to put your guard up. See how “sin” screws things up? This wouldn’t have happened if the prior generations didn’t “sin”. Passed the consequences right on down to us. One choice to sin, presents the chance of making another choice, then another, and so on. Each one has consequences. Yet you get the prize of free choice within a set of circumstances. How narrow do you want to make it before it feels suffocating? That Jesus comment, turn the other cheek… give him your cloak too… THAT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. It is full, on real. That is how you get peace and true love in the world.  Even those who don’t believe in God have to admit that is true. Forgiveness is a must… otherwise you are tainted, too. Doesn’t matter who is right. You still lose if you don’t forgive and exercise love. Complaining and fighting like me, doesn’t accomplish too much other than giving some temporary relief and maybe helping your opposition see something they weren’t aware of before. You still end up dirty. You have to forgive, but it doesn’t mean you have be stupid. I think there is some value in the fight. It breaks things down into smaller pieces so you can see them better. You discover what really makes up all those things in life. Then you can see how the puzzle is built to create something larger and more meaningful. Maybe. Well, I’m sure I managed to offend a lot of people with this post. Hey, look! At least I’m successful at something.

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Song Lyrics For Let My Love Open the Door by Pete Townshend,

also covered by a bunch of other people (Eddie Vedder, Stacey Marcus, Audio Adrenaline,  Luminate, Tegan and Sara, etc…) Pick your favorite version. Currently M. Ward’s is mine (I would actually get up and dance to that one) 😉

When people keep repeating
That you’ll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can’t seem to get enough

[Chorus]
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I’ll give you a four leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind

[Repeat Chorus]

I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you’ll find this way
Come one and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It’s all I’m living for
Release yourself from misery
Only thing’s gonna set you free
That’s my love

[Repeat Chorus]

When tragedy befalls you
Don’t let them bring you down
Love can cure your problems
You’re so lucky I’m around

[Repeat Chorus]

Maybe…

http://www.wacom.com/en-us/discover/draw/digital-sketch-and-draw

I’ve been feeling really down the past couple days, like I really should just give up. I don’t have any attachments to anything or anyone except my 2 boys. I’m honestly at the point where they are the only reason I am still around. Obviously I have to be here. I love them and I’m their mother. More often lately, there’s this wave that comes over me, beckoning me in a haunting way, as if telling me it’s time… and that I’m supposed to go. It’s scary because the feeling is getting stronger. I have no ties except love and parenthood, yet this thought comes, that maybe, just maybe, they are supposed to have that experience. Of course that’s horrid. But look at it this way… maybe I’m supposed to have the experiences I do. Is that any less horrid to live with? Maybe, it’s not up to me. And maybe if I don’t choose when, something else will. It’s friggin’ psychotic, and I have been feeling lately that I’m about to break. I feel like I’ve been trying to hang on so I don’t slip under the water too long. I don’t want to go under and get lost for good. It’s always there, every month, like clockwork.

Then this happens:

I was spending my evening trying to research printers b/c I had another one go out on me. I tried fixing it, but can’t find the problem. It’s got to be a gear somewhere. Things are turning, but the printer isn’t uptaking paper. It really probably is something simple that I’m too stupid to notice, but I’m tired of it. All the crap we buy breaks like every two years. I’m not kidding. Ever notice how cell phones do that… just when your contract is up and you’re eligible for an “upgrade?” Pfft. See, there’s this great scheme that companies like HP like to pull on people. They put out this “inexpensive” printer so that more of the masses can have the privilege of home printing capabilities, but then they get you with the insane tallying cost of refill cartridges. I have to buy refills nearly every month. That’s nearly $80! So, screw HP. I’m looking for a laser printer where the toner will last me a year. So it sucks I won’t have color when I need it… or I’ll just buy a 2nd cheapo printer for such an occasion. Anyhow, I got distracted in the process, because of the string of pics they scroll along the bottom tailored to your possible interests. I was baited, and ended up on a trail. Photo software took me into drawing tablets… which is why I had my mini panic attack/depressive episode, because I’m so far behind the times, that I feel lost to what that even is. Backtrack: I was an art major that never finished and never picked it up since because it’s too much money and a hassle. I have to put everything away because of children and the sake of tidiness for those in the world that don’t understand that art is a semi-chaotic and messy journey i.e. the hub & in-laws. So I’m staring at this drawing tablet trying to make sense of all the different ones they have and having a mini stomach in the throat moment because of the $1000-2000 price tags. Shoot. Like I’d ever be able to afford it. It’s done for me. It’s too late. Perhaps it’s the answer to avoiding “messy” and multiple supplies strewn about, but I’m out. I’m turning 40. I never thought I’d be one of those people who said or felt that it was too late. I never cease to amaze myself. What happened to me? Anyway on the Wacom website, I’m clicking through trying to gauge what all the different tablets are while feeling like a piece of —- & I see this little thing in one of the images. A coffee can. A freakin’ coffee can with my childhood nickname on it for an old brand that I’m not sure even exists anymore. What are the chances of that happening along with the heading on the pic? Tell me someone out there isn’t listening to me and giving me hope. Click on the picture above to see it.

And summer begins…

I just watched my youngest son get on the bus this morning. He went to school as a 2nd grader. This afternoon, he will return as a third grader. It is strange how, during day-to-day life, one sloshes through it, faintly detecting the moments that they wish they could hold onto while working impatiently to push past others. Then in a stage of quietness, realize that you have to fend off a panic attack because you can’t hold onto all those instances that you want to. They happen in a flash and eventually fade into memory, then disappear. It breaks my heart. Even if I had a camera in that moment, it wouldn’t matter. Technology always fails.