Someone tell me the magic answer.

How do you overcome disappointment and move forward? I had a moment today that I can only sum up as not knowing I could be even more brokenhearted than I already had been by someone. The hub was promoted in his job to a higher management position a few months ago. It’s something that he’s been wanting. It’s something that he’s good at. I don’t have a problem with it, really. What’s annoying though is for years, I’ve been hearing how he has to do “this” and “that” to “network” and get promoted. I’ve been hearing how we never have “enough money” to do anything, like take a weekend trip together. It’s always, “when I get promoted,” we will… The thing is, he has had 3 promotions in the 16 years we’ve been married. There’s a real possibility he will be promoted again quickly within a year or two due to lack of qualified candidates & upcoming retirements. The next promotion involves going elsewhere, such as a larger city. The one after that requires him flying between multiple states. First, he told me we’d probably be moving within the state, then it changed to out of state. I’ve been reticent and cranky because we finally purchased our first house almost 2 years ago. They, whoever they are, always recommend not buying unless you’re going to live in your house for at least 5 years. I told him as much as I wanted a house, I didn’t think we were ready. Mainly, I didn’t want to get tied into something with a person I no longer was sure about, but that’s something I’ve written about a thousand times (not yet posted). So anyhow, this job has him working quite a bit. To a certain degree, that’s not unusual, but these past 2 months are grating on my nerves. He’s been going in at 3 or 4 pm and not getting out till 6 A.M. The past week is something else I’m not quite sure how to deal with because the feelings just seem more sure and less accommodating than the past. He was supposed to have a vacation last week. Once again, it was changed last minute. He said his work was sending him out of state to help “fix” a failing part of the organization he works for. Now, coming from a place of distrust due to other events, I found myself trying not to be on that line… you know the line. I was given the itinerary and such, but you know, printouts are printouts. Anyone can fake a set of black and white pages. Then there’s the obvious thought of how is he supposed to fix something in a week? Turns out they’re bringing others in over the course of a month, but still… So I go with it, whatever. Did I have a choice anyway? During the week, we only talked once (he called Monday). I called on Wednesday and he said he was out eating and grabbing drinks with guys from work. I said, “ok” and I hung up. Then I went to get ready for bed. He texted me, “Talk to you later?” I didn’t answer, because it was 1:30 A.M. and no, I wasn’t going to talk later because I was going to sleep. The other 2 times he called, I was busy doing stuff and he proceeded to yell at me via text like I was purposefully avoiding his calls, like I’m supposed to be attached to the phone or something. Then he was mad at me when he called one night because he thought I was hitting ignore, when I was actually talking to my friend whom I rarely get to talk to. I’m not one of those people who puts someone on hold. There’s this invention called voicemail, and I expect others to use it when the system clicks them over to it. If you don’t leave a voicemail, I deem that whatever you wanted was unimportant and I don’t return your call. After I hung up with my friend, there’s a series of angry texts from him, so I called him. I wasn’t happy about that, so I had a tone. He starts jumping down my throat, and I said I was talking to my friend, and what, “did I need his permission now to talk to someone?” He said, “no”. Then I asked what he wanted, but in an abrupt/aggravated tone, and he yelled at me that he couldn’t even remember now, so I said, “Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I was supposed to pick him up at 1:15, and I figured he was calling to tell me the time, but I didn’t sweat it because who knows if the plane would be on time. Then I didn’t call him to remind him to double-check his room and all that because he always gets annoyed and says, “I got it.” Well, he never does “got it” and I don’t know why in all these years he thinks it’s ever worked out otherwise. I was going to tell him to set his alarm, double-check his paperwork, and not to drink. I decided not to because I don’t really care and he would probably say he “got it” or “I’ll be fine.” So what did he do? I got a phone call at 6 A.M. He was upset because he looked at his papers wrong and missed his flight. I had an issue with the papers before he left. They weren’t stapled together. I didn’t push it because I figure there’s some ban on staples being on a plane ( I don’t know, I’ve never flown). Besides that he had it on his work laptop. You’d think that he would have put the papers he was done with in the trash or tucked them away because all that was left were the return portions of the trip. He told me they got him on the next plane. I’m thinking at the time, “whatever, you drank and overslept”. Then I got an angry text from him about possibly being bumped because they oversold the flight. In my view, however, “that’s what you get for not being on time/organized”. Then more of the distrusting thoughts I didn’t want to allow to grab holding ground in my mind triggered. Then, I thought, “Whatever. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. Now he’s stuck in an airport. Not my fault.” I then went ahead and texted the #1 thought that I realized by Wednesday of his trip, and that was this relationship is not going to work out for us if he gets another promotion. He thought I was starting an argument because he missed his flight. I was trying to explain realistically, it wasn’t going to work. The day he left here, he said his work would pay for him to fly out every week and back home on the weekend because it was cheaper for them than to pay relocation costs. Whatever. Over the long-run, that can’t be true. Here’s my thing: I already don’t feel in love with him anymore because of all the stuff he did for the first 10 years of our marriage. I lost respect for him. His word doesn’t exist because he doesn’t hold to them. I don’t even know how he’s gotten as far as he has in his job because he is disorganized and doesn’t pay attention to details… must be a jerk factor. You ever notice how jerks are the ones who climb the ladder? He hasn’t exactly treated me as how a spouse would treat another spouse if they really loved them. He has never bought us wedding bands. We never had a honeymoon, we never have taken a weekend trip anywhere alone, haven’t seen a movie alone in more than 5 years, we have never done anything “romantic” since before I was pregnant with our first child, and we have never celebrated a single anniversary. I had to fight the first few years just to get a Christmas tree and a gift for my child, not including myself. We didn’t celebrate birthdays until my 2nd child’s 2nd birthday, and oh yes, he missed their birthdays because it was more important for him to be in a bar with his friends. Which is why there wasn’t much money. Well, now he gets completely irate because he thinks I’m always throwing this back at him. When in my view, it’s actually what DEFINED our relationship. I just keep repeating it as causes to why I am the way I am when he wonders why I am reacting/behaving a certain way. Why would I expect anything else now? The trust thing is already a big thorn. Being with him has ruined me. I feel like my heart (caring/love) is like a blister: soft and tender beneath a calloused surface. It hurts. And now, he’s going to pick at it. About the promotion, flying every week and returning on Saturday? You and I both know that’s not going to happen. He will quickly tire of sitting in airports. You know the man will come home, sit in his recliner and sleep for 24 hours and then hop a plane back to work the next day. That is, IF he doesn’t spend his waking moments with his dad and friends first. My concern is absolutely valid. I have spent 16 years waiting to live my life with this man. He tried telling me today that it’d only be 9 more before our other child is out of school and supposedly I can “come with him”. For what? To wait in a hotel room while he’s at work for 13 hours and then goes out to the bar/breakfast for 6-7 hours after that? How long till he gets his own apartment? Like we can afford for me to fly every single time he goes to another destination? Is he forgetting our special needs son who will always be with me? Like I’m supposed to wait anymore? He says all the time that he’s not going to live long. I’m turning 40 in a few months. My life is basically half over and I haven’t done anything fun in almost 20 years. I told him, what is the point of making more money and making this house nice, if he’s not going to be around to enjoy it? What is the point of “providing” when if he died tomorrow, we’d be screwed because he doesn’t have any of the insurance information put together for us? He doesn’t have a will. He doesn’t have anything set if something happened. He said, that’s partially why he works so hard is for that. The other is, and his exact words were “I also do it because I want prestige.” He said, “wouldn’t you go as far as you could?” I said, “No, not at the expense of family.” Then I was deeply hurt because this m*f*er either doesn’t know me or forgot that I had to give up EVERYTHING because of him and our son’s needs. I wanted to move to New York when I was 23. I wanted to be an artist or a designer. I had talent. I had potential. I had wanted to someday become an art director or an art critic for an art magazine. Something! There was a time I wanted to work in film. I wanted to learn cinematography or try my hand at screenwriting, but low and behold I never had enough money. I constantly felt like I was swimming against the current. But see? That’s probably what separates the ones that are truly meant for it than the ones that aren’t. I never got a chance because I shot myself in the foot right out of the starting gate, so to speak. Then because I’m somewhat stubborn, I held to it because what resulted was partially due to having become pregnant. I quit. We decided to get married later. We felt that that we loved each other. Marriage is supposed to be a deal. You know? It’s a contract. You say the vows like it’s supposed to be held to. Hahaha.  He didn’t fulfill his part. There’s fallout from that. I try my best, you know? This man broke my heart today, again. Why? Because essentially, he said that the opinion of the people in his organization means more, is valued more, than what his own wife and family thinks. He’s been let down by his parents. He was abandoned due to their self-indulgences/addictions, but now again, I’m being punished for something I didn’t cause. I really think that. My opinion doesn’t matter, because when he started screwing around and dropping the ball in our relationship, I eventually changed my attitude towards him. No more nice gal. No more sweetness. No more home-cooked meals for him, mainly because 99% of the time, he never showed up. What did he think I would become after he abandoned us? I’m supposed to not speak up for us? So now their opinion matters more? I feel like I’m done. I’m done! Yet, what can I do? I have nothing to my name. I can’t do anything like I used to. Art is a different ballgame these days. I wouldn’t make that kind of art (putting it politely). I don’t have a car anymore. The one I have is 17 years old still sitting on jack stands in the garage. I have an autistic son, that the hub believes he is going to be the guardian for when he turns 18 in a few years just because he makes the money and has the medical insurance. I’m supposed to fight this? I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s all in vain. I want to leave. I can’t. I love the boys. I have to make it till they’re grown, but in 9 years, what is there then? Maybe you’re thinking just move the kids. My oldest will be starting a vocational school next year. I don’t want to move him because he needs stability so he can learn. It’s already so difficult for him. He needs to have a chance to do something, because one day I will be dead, and as it goes he has no one younger than his brother to watch out for him. Cousins can’t be depended on. Hell, I’m supposed to start a trust and appoint a trustee. It’s not looking good, my friend. My family is not close to each other. I don’t want to move my other son because we live in a good school district. I want him to grow up with his friends and have those good memories. I know what to do, but don’t know what to do. I want to run away. I want to move far away and start over, but I can’t for at least 9 years. I’ll be going on 50 then. What’s the point? I don’t mean to sound like a person who is only staying married because of their children. I want things to be good between the hub and I, but it’s been 16 years of this nonsense. I’ve been gypped. It’s not working. I’m stuck. I have to be willing to stay or throw it all away. I just have no way of making enough on my own. Time with the children would have to be sacrificed.  Who in their right mind is willing to give up everything for the sake of autonomy? I’m not a teenager.  I’m not being beaten.  What the hell is wrong with me? I sit around while he receives accolades. Hello people, I’m the one who’s tried their best to keep him straight and do something. I used to be something too, but I guess there can only be one somebody in a marriage because the other has to hold everything else down while the other gets to fly. If I had known I was never going to get to do anything again, I would’ve never married this man. Those quotes about waiting for the right moment, and there never being the right moment are so true. It’s my fault I pissed talent away. It’s my fault I didn’t bail 6 years ago when I had the chance when things would’ve ended up in my favor that maybe I could’ve finished that last year of college and started a career. Sounds awful, huh? We have a lot more than we started with. At least I can eat now. I don’t use stacked boxes for a bookcase or an upside down laundry basket for a coffee table. We actually have a dining table now. I have internet. I can type on a computer that isn’t in a library. I have a phone! We finally have tv! The stuff I complain about is so stupid.  If I go and have nothing, is that more honorable? Is it wrong that I expected to build a life together WITH my husband and not separately? Does that kind of guy even exist? I don’t envy rich folks. I don’t envy successful people who are all over the map. It’s impossible to exist cohesively. I don’t know how they do it. He thinks I’m supposed to be happy sitting here playing with his extra money once he gets “enough” promotions to make more than our bills. But you know, he’d just criticize me if I did. More will never be enough though, isn’t that how it turns out? He even said himself, it’s not enough where he is already. Yet, he makes me feel guilty for wanting wood floors because I’m sick of everyone spilling food and drinks all over our carpet. If he wants guests, then I want our home to stay nice and not smell like a stagnant pit of expired food. He gets annoyed when I want to paint. Well, it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to surrounding myself with “art” these days. Maybe I can do that once he moves to the airport. Pfft. Enough is never enough for either of us. He scoffs when I say I want a goldendoodle. Yeah I know. You tell me how else to find one. I’ve been looking for 2 years. There aren’t any in shelters. If I have a dog, it has to be “hypoallergenic” for my son. Can’t guarantee that, I know. There are other breeds, but I don’t want some incessant barker who feels his territory is being infringed upon, I don’t want a wirey furred pet, & I don’t want a tiny dog, either. No offense to anyone with tiny dogs. I can’t have my dream yellow lab, I’m lonely, and I want a big, fluffy dog. No Samoyeds in the shelters, either. Sorry. Don’t you activists worry though, I won’t be able to get a goldendoodle, anyway. They run almost $2000. Ridiculous. You certainly have a point being anti-breeder. I support that, but acknowledge that maybe some people want what they can’t have, otherwise. You can’t change a person’s mind when their desire outweighs what’s “right”. Friggin’ life. Just because it exists, doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

I suppose I sound like a spoiled brat & it’s hard to understand me.

Play it again, Sam:  I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?