Someone tell me the magic answer.

How do you overcome disappointment and move forward? I had a moment today that I can only sum up as not knowing I could be even more brokenhearted than I already had been by someone. The hub was promoted in his job to a higher management position a few months ago. It’s something that he’s been wanting. It’s something that he’s good at. I don’t have a problem with it, really. What’s annoying though is for years, I’ve been hearing how he has to do “this” and “that” to “network” and get promoted. I’ve been hearing how we never have “enough money” to do anything, like take a weekend trip together. It’s always, “when I get promoted,” we will… The thing is, he has had 3 promotions in the 16 years we’ve been married. There’s a real possibility he will be promoted again quickly within a year or two due to lack of qualified candidates & upcoming retirements. The next promotion involves going elsewhere, such as a larger city. The one after that requires him flying between multiple states. First, he told me we’d probably be moving within the state, then it changed to out of state. I’ve been reticent and cranky because we finally purchased our first house almost 2 years ago. They, whoever they are, always recommend not buying unless you’re going to live in your house for at least 5 years. I told him as much as I wanted a house, I didn’t think we were ready. Mainly, I didn’t want to get tied into something with a person I no longer was sure about, but that’s something I’ve written about a thousand times (not yet posted). So anyhow, this job has him working quite a bit. To a certain degree, that’s not unusual, but these past 2 months are grating on my nerves. He’s been going in at 3 or 4 pm and not getting out till 6 A.M. The past week is something else I’m not quite sure how to deal with because the feelings just seem more sure and less accommodating than the past. He was supposed to have a vacation last week. Once again, it was changed last minute. He said his work was sending him out of state to help “fix” a failing part of the organization he works for. Now, coming from a place of distrust due to other events, I found myself trying not to be on that line… you know the line. I was given the itinerary and such, but you know, printouts are printouts. Anyone can fake a set of black and white pages. Then there’s the obvious thought of how is he supposed to fix something in a week? Turns out they’re bringing others in over the course of a month, but still… So I go with it, whatever. Did I have a choice anyway? During the week, we only talked once (he called Monday). I called on Wednesday and he said he was out eating and grabbing drinks with guys from work. I said, “ok” and I hung up. Then I went to get ready for bed. He texted me, “Talk to you later?” I didn’t answer, because it was 1:30 A.M. and no, I wasn’t going to talk later because I was going to sleep. The other 2 times he called, I was busy doing stuff and he proceeded to yell at me via text like I was purposefully avoiding his calls, like I’m supposed to be attached to the phone or something. Then he was mad at me when he called one night because he thought I was hitting ignore, when I was actually talking to my friend whom I rarely get to talk to. I’m not one of those people who puts someone on hold. There’s this invention called voicemail, and I expect others to use it when the system clicks them over to it. If you don’t leave a voicemail, I deem that whatever you wanted was unimportant and I don’t return your call. After I hung up with my friend, there’s a series of angry texts from him, so I called him. I wasn’t happy about that, so I had a tone. He starts jumping down my throat, and I said I was talking to my friend, and what, “did I need his permission now to talk to someone?” He said, “no”. Then I asked what he wanted, but in an abrupt/aggravated tone, and he yelled at me that he couldn’t even remember now, so I said, “Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I was supposed to pick him up at 1:15, and I figured he was calling to tell me the time, but I didn’t sweat it because who knows if the plane would be on time. Then I didn’t call him to remind him to double-check his room and all that because he always gets annoyed and says, “I got it.” Well, he never does “got it” and I don’t know why in all these years he thinks it’s ever worked out otherwise. I was going to tell him to set his alarm, double-check his paperwork, and not to drink. I decided not to because I don’t really care and he would probably say he “got it” or “I’ll be fine.” So what did he do? I got a phone call at 6 A.M. He was upset because he looked at his papers wrong and missed his flight. I had an issue with the papers before he left. They weren’t stapled together. I didn’t push it because I figure there’s some ban on staples being on a plane ( I don’t know, I’ve never flown). Besides that he had it on his work laptop. You’d think that he would have put the papers he was done with in the trash or tucked them away because all that was left were the return portions of the trip. He told me they got him on the next plane. I’m thinking at the time, “whatever, you drank and overslept”. Then I got an angry text from him about possibly being bumped because they oversold the flight. In my view, however, “that’s what you get for not being on time/organized”. Then more of the distrusting thoughts I didn’t want to allow to grab holding ground in my mind triggered. Then, I thought, “Whatever. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. Now he’s stuck in an airport. Not my fault.” I then went ahead and texted the #1 thought that I realized by Wednesday of his trip, and that was this relationship is not going to work out for us if he gets another promotion. He thought I was starting an argument because he missed his flight. I was trying to explain realistically, it wasn’t going to work. The day he left here, he said his work would pay for him to fly out every week and back home on the weekend because it was cheaper for them than to pay relocation costs. Whatever. Over the long-run, that can’t be true. Here’s my thing: I already don’t feel in love with him anymore because of all the stuff he did for the first 10 years of our marriage. I lost respect for him. His word doesn’t exist because he doesn’t hold to them. I don’t even know how he’s gotten as far as he has in his job because he is disorganized and doesn’t pay attention to details… must be a jerk factor. You ever notice how jerks are the ones who climb the ladder? He hasn’t exactly treated me as how a spouse would treat another spouse if they really loved them. He has never bought us wedding bands. We never had a honeymoon, we never have taken a weekend trip anywhere alone, haven’t seen a movie alone in more than 5 years, we have never done anything “romantic” since before I was pregnant with our first child, and we have never celebrated a single anniversary. I had to fight the first few years just to get a Christmas tree and a gift for my child, not including myself. We didn’t celebrate birthdays until my 2nd child’s 2nd birthday, and oh yes, he missed their birthdays because it was more important for him to be in a bar with his friends. Which is why there wasn’t much money. Well, now he gets completely irate because he thinks I’m always throwing this back at him. When in my view, it’s actually what DEFINED our relationship. I just keep repeating it as causes to why I am the way I am when he wonders why I am reacting/behaving a certain way. Why would I expect anything else now? The trust thing is already a big thorn. Being with him has ruined me. I feel like my heart (caring/love) is like a blister: soft and tender beneath a calloused surface. It hurts. And now, he’s going to pick at it. About the promotion, flying every week and returning on Saturday? You and I both know that’s not going to happen. He will quickly tire of sitting in airports. You know the man will come home, sit in his recliner and sleep for 24 hours and then hop a plane back to work the next day. That is, IF he doesn’t spend his waking moments with his dad and friends first. My concern is absolutely valid. I have spent 16 years waiting to live my life with this man. He tried telling me today that it’d only be 9 more before our other child is out of school and supposedly I can “come with him”. For what? To wait in a hotel room while he’s at work for 13 hours and then goes out to the bar/breakfast for 6-7 hours after that? How long till he gets his own apartment? Like we can afford for me to fly every single time he goes to another destination? Is he forgetting our special needs son who will always be with me? Like I’m supposed to wait anymore? He says all the time that he’s not going to live long. I’m turning 40 in a few months. My life is basically half over and I haven’t done anything fun in almost 20 years. I told him, what is the point of making more money and making this house nice, if he’s not going to be around to enjoy it? What is the point of “providing” when if he died tomorrow, we’d be screwed because he doesn’t have any of the insurance information put together for us? He doesn’t have a will. He doesn’t have anything set if something happened. He said, that’s partially why he works so hard is for that. The other is, and his exact words were “I also do it because I want prestige.” He said, “wouldn’t you go as far as you could?” I said, “No, not at the expense of family.” Then I was deeply hurt because this m*f*er either doesn’t know me or forgot that I had to give up EVERYTHING because of him and our son’s needs. I wanted to move to New York when I was 23. I wanted to be an artist or a designer. I had talent. I had potential. I had wanted to someday become an art director or an art critic for an art magazine. Something! There was a time I wanted to work in film. I wanted to learn cinematography or try my hand at screenwriting, but low and behold I never had enough money. I constantly felt like I was swimming against the current. But see? That’s probably what separates the ones that are truly meant for it than the ones that aren’t. I never got a chance because I shot myself in the foot right out of the starting gate, so to speak. Then because I’m somewhat stubborn, I held to it because what resulted was partially due to having become pregnant. I quit. We decided to get married later. We felt that that we loved each other. Marriage is supposed to be a deal. You know? It’s a contract. You say the vows like it’s supposed to be held to. Hahaha.  He didn’t fulfill his part. There’s fallout from that. I try my best, you know? This man broke my heart today, again. Why? Because essentially, he said that the opinion of the people in his organization means more, is valued more, than what his own wife and family thinks. He’s been let down by his parents. He was abandoned due to their self-indulgences/addictions, but now again, I’m being punished for something I didn’t cause. I really think that. My opinion doesn’t matter, because when he started screwing around and dropping the ball in our relationship, I eventually changed my attitude towards him. No more nice gal. No more sweetness. No more home-cooked meals for him, mainly because 99% of the time, he never showed up. What did he think I would become after he abandoned us? I’m supposed to not speak up for us? So now their opinion matters more? I feel like I’m done. I’m done! Yet, what can I do? I have nothing to my name. I can’t do anything like I used to. Art is a different ballgame these days. I wouldn’t make that kind of art (putting it politely). I don’t have a car anymore. The one I have is 17 years old still sitting on jack stands in the garage. I have an autistic son, that the hub believes he is going to be the guardian for when he turns 18 in a few years just because he makes the money and has the medical insurance. I’m supposed to fight this? I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s all in vain. I want to leave. I can’t. I love the boys. I have to make it till they’re grown, but in 9 years, what is there then? Maybe you’re thinking just move the kids. My oldest will be starting a vocational school next year. I don’t want to move him because he needs stability so he can learn. It’s already so difficult for him. He needs to have a chance to do something, because one day I will be dead, and as it goes he has no one younger than his brother to watch out for him. Cousins can’t be depended on. Hell, I’m supposed to start a trust and appoint a trustee. It’s not looking good, my friend. My family is not close to each other. I don’t want to move my other son because we live in a good school district. I want him to grow up with his friends and have those good memories. I know what to do, but don’t know what to do. I want to run away. I want to move far away and start over, but I can’t for at least 9 years. I’ll be going on 50 then. What’s the point? I don’t mean to sound like a person who is only staying married because of their children. I want things to be good between the hub and I, but it’s been 16 years of this nonsense. I’ve been gypped. It’s not working. I’m stuck. I have to be willing to stay or throw it all away. I just have no way of making enough on my own. Time with the children would have to be sacrificed.  Who in their right mind is willing to give up everything for the sake of autonomy? I’m not a teenager.  I’m not being beaten.  What the hell is wrong with me? I sit around while he receives accolades. Hello people, I’m the one who’s tried their best to keep him straight and do something. I used to be something too, but I guess there can only be one somebody in a marriage because the other has to hold everything else down while the other gets to fly. If I had known I was never going to get to do anything again, I would’ve never married this man. Those quotes about waiting for the right moment, and there never being the right moment are so true. It’s my fault I pissed talent away. It’s my fault I didn’t bail 6 years ago when I had the chance when things would’ve ended up in my favor that maybe I could’ve finished that last year of college and started a career. Sounds awful, huh? We have a lot more than we started with. At least I can eat now. I don’t use stacked boxes for a bookcase or an upside down laundry basket for a coffee table. We actually have a dining table now. I have internet. I can type on a computer that isn’t in a library. I have a phone! We finally have tv! The stuff I complain about is so stupid.  If I go and have nothing, is that more honorable? Is it wrong that I expected to build a life together WITH my husband and not separately? Does that kind of guy even exist? I don’t envy rich folks. I don’t envy successful people who are all over the map. It’s impossible to exist cohesively. I don’t know how they do it. He thinks I’m supposed to be happy sitting here playing with his extra money once he gets “enough” promotions to make more than our bills. But you know, he’d just criticize me if I did. More will never be enough though, isn’t that how it turns out? He even said himself, it’s not enough where he is already. Yet, he makes me feel guilty for wanting wood floors because I’m sick of everyone spilling food and drinks all over our carpet. If he wants guests, then I want our home to stay nice and not smell like a stagnant pit of expired food. He gets annoyed when I want to paint. Well, it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to surrounding myself with “art” these days. Maybe I can do that once he moves to the airport. Pfft. Enough is never enough for either of us. He scoffs when I say I want a goldendoodle. Yeah I know. You tell me how else to find one. I’ve been looking for 2 years. There aren’t any in shelters. If I have a dog, it has to be “hypoallergenic” for my son. Can’t guarantee that, I know. There are other breeds, but I don’t want some incessant barker who feels his territory is being infringed upon, I don’t want a wirey furred pet, & I don’t want a tiny dog, either. No offense to anyone with tiny dogs. I can’t have my dream yellow lab, I’m lonely, and I want a big, fluffy dog. No Samoyeds in the shelters, either. Sorry. Don’t you activists worry though, I won’t be able to get a goldendoodle, anyway. They run almost $2000. Ridiculous. You certainly have a point being anti-breeder. I support that, but acknowledge that maybe some people want what they can’t have, otherwise. You can’t change a person’s mind when their desire outweighs what’s “right”. Friggin’ life. Just because it exists, doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

I suppose I sound like a spoiled brat & it’s hard to understand me.

Play it again, Sam:  I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Having a moment…

There are times like today, where I am reading all these terrible “news” stories, when suddenly, I get this overwhelming urge to seek out what’s “new” (if anything) with you. I visited the joaquinphoenixcentral.com website, but there was only an interview posted. I honestly haven’t been much in the habit of reading them for the past couple films, because I don’t find them interesting (please don’t take offense to that), but I clicked on the darn thing anyway, in hope of ‘hearing’ something funny from you. Eh. At least there was a picture (although not much of one since it was cut off. Artistic license is allowed). So anyway, I’m feeling unsatisfied. Go ahead. Say I’m a narcissist or something. If I wasn’t interested in propping my feelings up, I wouldn’t be writing in a blog right now. Just so ya know, I’m not really the type. I’m only doing this for a few reasons. #1 release, #2 Because I wanted to tell you what happened to me regarding you that started in 2007/8 (but it’s been a long time so what’s the point of putting it here. You won’t read it or believe me anyway. Also after reading this, you won’t like me because you will think I’m awful), #3 Apparently, I am not entitled to privacy in my own home so, at least if I spew my writing here, I know they won’t read it. Detect a little negativity?

I had to give up my “office” for a week so my MIL could live in it, although the hub and I argued about it. I wanted to buy a new mattress and bedding because I wasn’t going to make her sleep on the sagging one, towels for the bathroom, etc so she could be comfortable because in general, I want to make people feel comfortable. He was mad at me because he said “this is not a hotel, it’s just family”, and that he “didn’t care”. I proceeded to move all my crap out of the office into our room so the “office” wouldn’t look like a storage room and also because I don’t need her rifling through our mail, the kids school stuff like report cards and IEPs, pictures, papers, my diaries, things I feel are private, etc. There was no way I was hauling it into the basement or attic because the last time I moved things to that extent, I threw my back out for 4 months. Everyday, locked up, spasmed. Couldn’t walk upright. Then a few days later, we got into an argument (while she was here) because I didn’t care about clearing my gardening & garage sale stuff out of the breezeway for some family barbeque they wanted to throw. I was mad because I have been trying to unpack boxes and get this stuff together since Spring. Toys need to be matched up, clothes washed, etc. I’m mad because I had to REPACK it and move it back into the garage and basement, therefore making all the time I had spent POINTLESS. I’ll probably just donate what I can. Someone out there might like this stuff. Ugh. I was just mad because he made a big stink in the prior weeks to this visit yelling that we weren’t a hotel and that it was just family… 2nd, his mom didn’t come up here to watch us clean  3rd, everyone would be outside anyway b/c it’s SUMMER, 4th, I was pissed because I didn’t want to be caught between his mom and stepmom. I even parked a car out along the edge of the road before everyone arrived to serve as a getaway car, if need be. Oh how I heard up and down from them before all this, you won’t be! Then I LITERALLY, PHYSICALLY was STUCK between them on the porch. I couldn’t even get up to get a drink or use the restroom because my chair and I were the only things separating the women. Why does this matter? His stepmom was his mom’s best friend back in the day before his dad left one for the other, although his mom was messing around with others during their marriage… *sigh Whatever, people. I hate how everyone says I won’t have to x, y, z and then it always turns out I have to X,Y,Z. Then to top it off, I have very raw feelings about her being here because I see her as having a major hand in the craptitude of my marriage. Alcoholism BS to sum it up. I am not southern, but considering it felt like the world was closing in and no one was dealing with their history, I have to utilize the phrase as I grit my teeth, “Chickens were coming home to roost.” I was trying my best not to get mashed up in it or spout my anger. They can pretend all is fine, like they’re mature or civil. What they don’t realize… it F*d us up! That makes me bitter because I didn’t even know these people and I didn’t seek them out, but like always, what I try to avoid eventually finds me to force me into uncomfortable situations. It seems like I got put through the wringer by God to see if I was who I was at the time… er nope apparently I’m not… I believe it changed me for the worst. Maybe I will come out “authentically” better, but I’m not counting on it. I’m another sad casualty statistically, probably. Another one bites the dust and falls to the dark side.

Argh! Then she had the nerve to cry when she was leaving. Oh please! She brought it on herself all these years.  How can you say to me the 1st day you’re here, “I am ready to get back on the road, but I have to pay my dues first” and then cry because your grandchildren don’t know you? Why did you even come then? Why do I have to sit through this then? How can you cry about missing your son and say those words to me the FIRST DAY you are here? It was her doing! She chose alcohol and drugs. How can you talk about therapy and then get mad at me behind my back while you’re on the phone with your brother because I asked you how it was going? Wtf am I supposed to talk about with a stranger while your flesh and blood is at work all day? I didn’t invite you here. I don’t want you here. At one time I stood up for her, before I even knew what had happened to my husband. I have been married 15 years, been with him for 17, and this is the 2nd time I have ever met her and this is the 1st time she was sober in all those years. I have seen what she does to him. You bet I don’t understand the disease. You bet I don’t really care anymore either about being patient and compassionate because it became a burden and a hassle on the homefront. I can tolerate a whole lot, and I can be accepting, I understand people go through things, I understand there are things that are important to some and not others, but when you screw with my homefront and it screws with me, you’re gonna see someone really different. Calm & nice switches to erratic, screaming, psycho. However, it only is psycho because you don’t know what’s fueling my angry feeling… usually because I never speak up until you piss me off.

I am mad because she is hoping to come back up in a couple months after she gets her disability. Yeah…well that’s a terrible time. I am going to be busy helping my (autistic) son with his homework and cooking and cleaning and running my other one to extracurriculars. Homework will take hours simply for the fact he doesn’t understand the majority of what he reads and I have to try to explain it in several ways, in the vain hope something will click and he can write a sentence, a paragraph, or an answer in his own words. This is the time I have with them until they leave the nest. But really, only the younger one will. My autistic son will be with us probably for our lives. I am going to cherish my time with them the best I can despite the challenges. That’s it.  I don’t have time nor do I want to take criticism from a person who wasn’t even around at all for her own kids just because she isn’t going to like the intensity of homework time here. Who is she to think she can just waltz in and play nana. She had her chance with her own kids. She bailed. Do you see me turning to substances to deal with my sadness, my pain, my challenges, my failures, etc? NO! My pen hits the paper. Words get it out. Oh yeah. I have issues. I’m not happy about them either because I used to be nice and love everybody. I revealed in another post I was cracking. But I keep everyone’s little secrets so they can save face, but it destroys me in the process because I am not able to be or respect myself. So now I break down and scream in a blog so I don’t “deserve” respect. Whatever. You don’t know me, no one else does either, and you know, I’ve lived that way a long time so I didn’t have to hear from people what is right or wrong or what I should do. I know what I want, I just can’t do it because I have to be responsible and proper, do the right thing, not be selfish, blah blah blah. And again, I apologize for my terrible grammar and construction of my sentences, but I am not a WRITER. I express myself on the fly here. That’s that. ARGH! Why do I have to be stuck with her? I see her as the enemy! She bailed on my husband as a child. She left him after his dad left him. He got beat up by her boyfriend in the middle of the night. He was molested. How the frig can they just pretend there’s nothing to discuss when it sent him into his own drinking and everything, the accidents and bailing on me and the kids? It f’d us up. Why do I have to sit with her and scramble for small talk? Everyone knows I don’t talk. She is his mother, NOT MINE. Decades and now she wants to interject herself into our lives? Why, so she can move in just because she feels like a dependent child at his sister’s? Because her nerves can’t handle them? Like she could deal with us? So she can find something of ours to pawn? I don’t share space with people anymore. I like my little dungeon I have been forced into the past 15 years. I can only “manage” what exists in this box. He made me who I am today. Why should I feel like I have to leave if she shows up? I fought to maintain ground. I put up with years of BS for “love”, for “believing in him”, for this family… for us to finally get into a house. This is my space and I have the right to be happy in my home. I have panic attacks just thinking about how I have no escape if she is here. I can’t leave her here because she will steal, all while playing charming and sweet like a 10yr old girl because that is her coping face. Who knows what she will do with my boys. Oh she makes me sick how she puts on the sweet and pleasant and the hub just falls back into being the kid that was abandoned, hoping his mom really is mom this time. Then when he is gone, she rants like a teenager. WTF do I care about you? Just like WTF would anyone who might read this care about any of this? How can he not see how he turned me into his mother? I knew it! I knew that he pushed and pushed me until I became the thing he wanted to punish. I wish I had a way out and didn’t have to feel like I was being irresponsible. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t because I don’t have a career. I had to stay home. I had to be THE parent. I had to be the TEACHER. I had to be PROTECTOR. I had to be the FRIEND. I had to be the DAD. There wasn’t ever any money for me to get out because he drank it all, paid it to the courts, lawyers, rent, electric, and groceries and made sure I couldn’t get a babysitter or finish college. Was it so much he couldn’t spare $20 bucks out of the couple hundred he blew at the bars in a week? What could I have done then? He even used my car! I was stuck at home with our baby. If there had been an emergency I couldn’t call anyone or go anywhere. I had nothing. NOTHING! Now I’m going to be 40. It’s over for me. I still have nothing, technically. I have to grin and bear it. I’m the idiot because I wanted to help a friend, who I had feelings for who had no home. I fell in love. After our son was born and the hub bailed, I thought it was a temporary freakout. I wanted to be a good mom.  I helped someone alright. I helped myself into hell, especially personality wise. Then tell me how good of a mom that is. He sobers up and now he’s upset because our oldest son calls him by his first name instead of dad. Yeah, dude. When your disabled son who doesn’t understand much/can’t communicate well calls you by the first name, then clearly, you weren’t there enough for him to understand you’re dad. Girls, don’t EVER give up your future for “love”. Don’t EVER quit your jobs because he says he’ll take care of things. IT WILL BECOME THE VERY THING YOU RESENT. It will put all the power into his hands, and then you won’t be able to do anything but squirm like a tortured bug in them. Then the world will say you have no one to blame but yourself. I don’t care what anyone says. It will always come down to that whether you are the housewife, househusband, not the major breadwinner, whatever. Marriage is hell. There is no way you can be prepared for it. You just don’t know until you’re in it with someone. You will always be at odds because you grew up in 2 different families. You have different expectations. Different goals. Different values. Different beliefs. Different rates of change. Different energy levels. Different humor. Different people are important to you. Different spending/saving approaches. Different ideas of what is fun. It is constant opposition. Constant compromise. Not everyone is happy, and it all adds up and then it blows up. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Good luck for those who are brave enough to take the plunge, but honestly even if you just stay together and don’t get married, breaking up really won’t be THAT much easier. Someone always gets the short end of the stick. Someone always gets hurt. Sometimes it disgruntles you and it grows resentment. Stay clear if you can, but you won’t. Marriage is supposed to be a real commitment. It takes REAL commitment. There is suffering in marriage as well as reward. Yet, it falls on you to decide what’s well enough and what is not, doesn’t it? I say that b/c if you mention God, well his idea is probably absolute commitment. However, like others, I’m not fully comfortable with that. But is it really our design to judge? I dunno. In my opinion, it’s supposed to be the place where you can be yourself. REALLY yourself, despite the opposition. Maybe, ideally. Who knows? I’m a moron. Ok, I have to get off this. Clearly, I don’t know what I’m talking about. And yes, I know the MIL has stuff going on too, clearly. I will get over it eventually. No one said that’s ever easy. Then you have to take into account, the feeling that you have to put your guard up. See how “sin” screws things up? This wouldn’t have happened if the prior generations didn’t “sin”. Passed the consequences right on down to us. One choice to sin, presents the chance of making another choice, then another, and so on. Each one has consequences. Yet you get the prize of free choice within a set of circumstances. How narrow do you want to make it before it feels suffocating? That Jesus comment, turn the other cheek… give him your cloak too… THAT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. It is full, on real. That is how you get peace and true love in the world.  Even those who don’t believe in God have to admit that is true. Forgiveness is a must… otherwise you are tainted, too. Doesn’t matter who is right. You still lose if you don’t forgive and exercise love. Complaining and fighting like me, doesn’t accomplish too much other than giving some temporary relief and maybe helping your opposition see something they weren’t aware of before. You still end up dirty. You have to forgive, but it doesn’t mean you have be stupid. I think there is some value in the fight. It breaks things down into smaller pieces so you can see them better. You discover what really makes up all those things in life. Then you can see how the puzzle is built to create something larger and more meaningful. Maybe. Well, I’m sure I managed to offend a lot of people with this post. Hey, look! At least I’m successful at something.

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Song Lyrics For Let My Love Open the Door by Pete Townshend,

also covered by a bunch of other people (Eddie Vedder, Stacey Marcus, Audio Adrenaline,  Luminate, Tegan and Sara, etc…) Pick your favorite version. Currently M. Ward’s is mine (I would actually get up and dance to that one) 😉

When people keep repeating
That you’ll never fall in love
When everybody keeps retreating
But you can’t seem to get enough

[Chorus]
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I’ll give you a four leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind

[Repeat Chorus]

I have the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you’ll find this way
Come one and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It’s all I’m living for
Release yourself from misery
Only thing’s gonna set you free
That’s my love

[Repeat Chorus]

When tragedy befalls you
Don’t let them bring you down
Love can cure your problems
You’re so lucky I’m around

[Repeat Chorus]